I admit it. I have no energy left to wreck. I am wrecked. I am done. Exhausted. Depleted. Broken.
I wanted to do something to the book this week. I was hoping to do it yesterday. But yesterday? Well, it sucked.
I went outside to find out the someone has yet again put my plastic, glass and metal containers in with my paper to be recycled and so I got another notice telling me that I wasn't recycling correctly and have yet another week's worth of recycled material hanging out outside my house. My husband thinks it may be someone trying to do identify theft. They probably just took any bottles they can get money for. Still, now I have to call the RCMP.
Then I saw these kids crossing my lawn, going down my driveway and hanging out on my property. I went out on the deck and told them to get off my property. I'm sure I will now be a victim of some kind of vandalism. I don't care.
At my wit's end, I was down to the bus stop to go to an appointment with my therapist. The day before I was wearing fuzzy socks and a heavy sweater, it was that chilly. Yesterday it gets warm. The bench at the bus stop is inside an all-glass box and it had all sorts of flying creatures stuck inside. I had gotten there early because the buses are completely erratic here. My head starts to ache from the sun baking it through the glass ceiling. I start to feel dizzy. I stand up and go outside and call the bus stop number. The bus runs every half hour. The recording says a bus will be there in 20 minutes. What the hell? I have been here half an hour already, how can that be?
I wait another five minutes and then call my therapist, telling her I was on the verge of passing out. She told me to go home. I trek through the muddy path and start to cross the little garbage-filled river to go home when I hear the bus go by! There are not enough swear words to cover what my brain was thinking. I went home fuming mad.
I go home and think to myself, trying to stay positive, well now I have time to make the Olive Garden Breadsticks and Salad recipe I wanted to make but did not have the time. When I made the dough, the bowl got completely wedged and I could not get it out. I hammered at it with my rolling pin and broke off the bottom part of the handle. I put my head on my counter and turned on my radio so the neighbours wouldn't hear and I cried. I cried a lot.
There are some bright spots to my day though. Bohemian Mom who so completely rocks my world sent me this book she got from Value Village about a woman who lives in a haunted town home in Greenwich Village. Nothing cheers me up more than ghost stories. I had some sunflower seeds which is my favourite book-reading treat and I hung out and cooled off in my living room and got lost in a fantastic ghost story. The paranormal always calms me down for some reason, LOL. I'm just weird that way.
My husband comes home today. He has only been gone a week and I seem to have pathetically fallen apart without him. Some feminist I am. He is my rock though. He brings me such joy and we have been through absolutely everything together. It will be nice to not be entirely alone and have my best friend back home with me.
I can also now finally announce that my sister Shannon the Movie Moxie is coming to visit next week for over a whole week! OMG, I still can't believe it. It's like a dream that she will be here hanging out with me. Oh the movies we will watch! The fun, the food and the giggles. Stay tuned.
So I guess I am not a complete loser. There are days that I feel like that though. Like nothing will ever go right again. I am so grateful that I have friends and family that are determined to prove me wrong. To drag me out of my despair and make me laugh or spook me out of my apathy. I hope that next week I get to do some real wrecking with Shannon and show the world that this mega rebel is back. With a vengeance.
29 comments:
Hang in there. I had a rough 2 weeks myself and also did not really do anything to my journal. I am trying not to get too hung up on that...figuring if it takes me the rest of the year to do my journal so what? you know?
I used to have to take the bus myself....and can totally relate to your story!
Suzie, you are NOT a loser. Sure, you're having a rough go at the moment, but you are still you: fabulous foodie, creative, caring, beautiful, rockin' rebel! Don't be so hard on yourself. :)
Ah, Spitz -- the food of the Gods (and Goddesses). You're right: forget this crappy week and look forward to fun times with your husband and sister!
Losers don't write amazing and candid blogs like you.
So there.
I am so glad you got the book, and what a fantastic treat for Shannon to be coming for a visit.
Yes, you two will have loads of fun together. It is the silver lining in living there - you are closer to your mom & sisters.
P.S. You described MY bus travels in MY town perfectly...I can't handle it anymore.
It's interesting, because the world around you is in full wrecking mode, but with absolutely no creative or redemptive qualities coming from their destruction. This was exactly my initial objection to the book - DOES destruction always breed creativity, DO you need to destroy to create? The world around us often does not look so hopeful as Miss Keri Smith seems to be.
And still, I am learning alot and having fun with my book ... I just wonder if the premise is naive...
Yeah, what Tracy said! And Boho Mom, too!
Glad you have something to look forward to with your hubby and sis to keep you entertained and occupied (let THEM entertain you instead of attempting the opposite - you're drained obviously - let them fill your well)
Gotta laugh - ghost stories kinda creep me out, but give me a novel of intricate intrigue and suspense and it's like nervana. Whatever floats your boat.
And just for perspective, at least you have bus service, erratic though it is. The only buses I ever see are tourlines headed for Yosemite...sigh...
Oh Suzie, I could totally feel your pain reading this post. I had that kind of day on Wednesday, it felt like the universe was just doing everything it could to keep me from enjoying the day. I ended up hiding inside with ice cream, where nothing could hurt me.
Though, the ice cream ended up hurting me instead.
I love the photo for this post.
You write so beautifully and honestly.
oh wow.
some days....some years....some lives...
but you write about it all with such humor. love your voice.
Haven't we ALL had days like this, and it is courageous of you to blog about it Suzie. I also disagree that you are a loser, though, Kate. Just a person. Like me. Like everyone! xo, O
Oh Suzie, many hugs to you! I tell you three times, you are not a loser, you are not a loser, you are not a loser. What I say three times is true.
I can understand that feeling, though, as I've been there many times myself. I haven't been feeling so hot lately, but I've been reading along with every entry, loving to see how creative and inventive you are and wondering what you made that day. :)
*hugs* again, and enjoy your weekend with your husband and sister. :)
I can understand where you're coming from. Yesterday when I knocked over my thyme (dirt went everywhere!) I started crying. I did more than cry, though, which I'm not proud of. I threw an all out tantrum!
It's great that your sister is coming to visit! Can't wait to hear about the fun you two will have.
Not to worry, Suzie. It's been a bummer time for me too, and this shall pass. We are all going through the eclipse cycles this month. You've got some bright days ahead with your sister visiting soon, so you just hang in there.
Aw, hang in there. Glad hubby is an awesome person. That is great. See ya.
Suzie, first; thanks for your always amazing advice about the lamp!
Secondly; you are not a loser. You have got to be one of the most strong, persevering, compassionate people that I know. You write beautifully, amazingly, candidly, and your words seem to touch everyone in a different and unique way. Loser? No, most certainly NOT!
I sure as hell can't blame you for laying your head down. Firs the bus, then the jammed up bowl, like come on! What else can go wrong, but don't ask that out loud because you KNOW something else will go horribly wrong....
I think to cheer you up, I will be mailing you a VERY nice lamp! What do you think? Do you have room in your home for a nice, antique lamp? Nothing wrong with it, no no, nothing at all. Just don't have the space here for it... hahaha. I am going to be cleansing in about 4 mins... lol
Hope you have a better day tomorrow and an amazing week with your sister! Imagine ALL the movies to be watched!! YAYY!!!
Blessings,
Bret xoxo
Just hang in there and take you time. I always remind myself that this is not a competition. This is for fun. If it doesn't feel fun, then don't do it!
baby steps suzie :)
sorry you had such a crummy day but that book looks like a good one-i might try and get a copy over here.
and you have your rock back and your sister is coming to stay~i would say things look bright right about now. just what you need :)
hugs from the new forest coming your way
xoxoxo
sorry you had a bad week, but glad to see that you are staying positive by looking at what fun is coming up.enjoy your time with your sister next week!
Loser..I'm thinkin' not so much!! Just life..consider my vacation last week!! Yup would make me a huge loser - lol. Kinda bummed me out but what can ya do!!??
I can totally relate to the hubby thing!! Jim is off for almost a month of Guard duty and there is talk that they may deploy them from there. I'm sick!! I love his company!!
You are so wonderful hon..creative and honest!! I loved the post and the fact that you allowed yourself to laugh a bit - and let us join you. Huge hugs and enjoy the creepy story - looove them too!!
Hugs and Namaste, Sarah
You write with such passion and candour. Here's hoping that next week will make this week just a bad dream.
All the best in - lots to look forward to.
HI Suzie!
Geez, sounds awful! My son relies on the bus and missed it yesterday too, he was fuming as he was on his way to school to register for classes. He gave up and started to walk, and then the bus drove by him! Thats great your sister can come out, I know my sister always cheers me up and we have a good time doing nothing. Two weeks ago we went to Seattle together and it was amazing! We went to Bainbridge Island. NOt to far from B.C, I can see why you like that area so much, BEAUTIFUL! One perk, I notice where you are now you are close to New York, have you had a chance to visit there yet? I loved it there.
T.
Life doesn't always have to have room for wrecking... Sometimes stuff happens and we just don't want to do things and that is just fine... Hope you have some better days soon...
Never forget that you are awesome!
No one can be strong every second of every day: that would mean you weren't human.
I hope today was a better day!
We all have loser days....luckily they pass. The day comes when we wake up,life is good and so are we and we know it!
My husband, sister and I spent months trying to open up a business. A hurricane came through and wrecked our building just before we were ready to open. 3 months later we finally get open. The day after our opening my husband finds out he has stage 4 liver disease. We closed the business 6 months later. Three months after that he had a liver transplant. That was the year from hell. I didn't think there was ever going to be another good day, ever.
But it's now 4 years later and he made it, I made it. Whew. We had friends and family that helped us through those really dark days, but I also cried through a lot of them, too. I just kept getting up in the morning.
I'm so glad that your husband is coming home and that your friend is coming to visit. :) Your journal will enjoy some attention when you have the energy. Until then, take care of you!!
Gosh, you are having a hard time! I am so glad your sister is coming to cheer you up! I have a friend coming to stay for a couple of weeks but when she leaves I really would like to pop over and take you out to tea or to poke about somewhere interesting.
If there's someone I would never call a loser, it's you. I always admired and respected your inner light, and it would never change. Hang in there, my friend. I received your email, go figure it... You can also email me at nydiamac AT gmail DOT com, if you want. I'm sure there will be no problem with this address. Write me whenever you want, I always love reading from you.
Kisses from us.
PS: Can I add this blog to my blogroll?
Ditto on all the great words - you are SO not a loser!!
I don't know if you ever 'land clear' - but that might be a thought if you're concerned about vandals!!
(I have a great process for that - always interesting to do when I visit somewhere - I always invite the angels & guides to do the clearing for the highest interest of the folks who LIVE there - but invite balance. I can feel an energy shift at times. Recently added in clearing for all the 'public' land in our town, & when I was harping on the Street Fri, threw in an extra 'tune-up')
Hang in there!! & glad your hubby & sis will both be with you soon!
If you liked Myss at all, look at her archetype stuff. You used several here that identify someone other than a loser. See her website (www.myss.com)and look at the Sacred Contract stuff. You are a rebel, an epicurean, an artisit, giving in to her victim, and fighting with the child, surprised by the prostitute, and tortured by the saboteur. Throw in an "addict" for good measure? Write about ghosts. Write a fantastic ghost story about a woman haunted by the ghost of the woman she thought she would grow up and be rather than the woman sitting in the chair reading a story.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I am curious how Spindrift is. I hope you are able to let us know!
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