Apple Dunking For Idiots

Why? Why would somebody throw all of these apples (and there were many more down the river) into the water?! Now at least it is biodegradable but still! At first I was hoping they were from local apple trees, I know there are some around here but it is the wrong season and nope, I looked around, no apple trees.

I know there are people out there who want me to be positive. There is a part of me that wants to be positive too but what is more important to me than that, is to be truthful. When I was happy and felt connected to where I lived, it was easy to be truthful and positive. Here, it feels like one giant lie.

So what do I do? Keep quiet? Pretend? Lie??? No, I take pictures. And shake my head, a lot. Knowing, I do not belong here.

Yes, when people are kind enough to take me out of my current situation and take me to pretty places I get to escape but I still can not hear Nature's voice. At Conrad's Beach I was impressed by the jewel we found and my friend Kelly asked me about connecting with Nature while we were there. Nothing. I felt nothing. I can appreciate it like a painting, from afar, but the painting does not talk back to me. For once Nature has just become something merely aesthetic, two dimensional. This breaks my heart.

You can not force love. It is like I moved in with this guy that I thought I was compatible with and it turns out there is no chemistry. The longer we are forced together, the more we start to loathe each other. The best we can do is tolerate each other's existence. In reality, we want to strangle each other.

The photo above makes me think of a cruel joke. An invitation to go apple dunking when really it is an opportunity for me to smash my head against the rocks a little more. I am done playing games and trying to make friends with this place.

I am the hanged woman of the tarot, putting up with my situation knowing it will not be forever. I may be stuck but I am gaining wisdom and growing. Dreaming of one day being the Fool again.