Thank you Jamie for sending me this photograph of me as a kid!
It is interesting how photos of you as a child can be so powerful. Back then I wanted to be a superhero, a spy, a cop... I wanted to fight bad guys and save the world. I believed in my strength and power.
How sad it is that all physical strength is gone from me as an adult. Life just does not turn out the way you think it will sometimes.
Most of the time I cope with my unhappiness here by spending time in the kitchen. Or cleaning my house. Or being physically active. Moving the deck furniture into the shed has re-injured my shoulder and thrown out my lower back. With Hurricane Earl's approach, I felt I had no choice. Friends of family here had their entire deck blown apart by the winds. My fear of having one of our deck chairs fly through our window was very real.
Living here, I feel so weak and vulnerable. Not to mention pathetic. I am not who I wanted to be. Yes, internally I can be tough as nails and ruthless but the physical reality is I am weaker than I was as a child. The longer I live here, the worse my health gets. My desperation to escape grows stronger every day.
I am so very tired of pain. Of injury. Of fear. This is the time of year I should be my strongest and I am quite physically broken. So I will be gentle with myself. Toughen my boundaries. Listen to my body. Say no to everything that might hurt me. Get out of here alive.
7 comments:
Oh hon. I'm sorry you're feeling so fragile. It must be wretched to be in a place that acts as your own personal Kriptonite.
You will always be a superhero to me. And btw - fabulous photo! You were very cute (and of course still are) and I love the old TV and Snoopy in the background! You have to love the late 70's...
That's a great photo of you as a kid! I see the same spirit shining through those young eyes as in photos of you now as an adult.
You are adorable! I can still see that child in you!
Yes, chronic illness can only take your body, never your spirit or soul. Of course, it always does at first, but then---then---you reclaim it! My prayer for you is that some way, some how, you reclaim that superhero spirit, that part of you that triumphs in spite of physical limitations. Your spirit is free and can soar.
Even if it is crawling now, believe that it will one day soar and that gives you hope...then hope finds a way...maybe not today, but maybe so, maybe soon, and definitely after time.
My prayer for you is that you are not defeated in this. Much love, Suzie,
O
Sorry you're having such a rough time Suzie. Good for you for listening to your body and knowing that you WILL make it through this.
Sending you cross-country hugs.
What a cute picture!
I'm sorry you agrravated an old injury and that you are feeling vulnerable and fragile. Sending you wishes of health and healing. {{hugs}}
Hi, Suzie,
Sending you a prayer for your strengthening and health. Surely now is the time for you to use those superpowers to save yourself...the world will wait.
- Grace
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