Crow trying to figure out how to break through an acorn to the food inside.
For over two years I have been waiting to see a counsellor who helps people with chronic pain. This was my last hope for dealing with the cold here, to help me stay sane. So what happened? It was like being invited into a head-on-collision.
I did not know anything about his "healing" technique, intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy. On camera he battered me with questions and called me an emotional cripple. He said that all my pain was a result of emotional stuff I had not dealt with yet. He did this all with me on video which made me incredibly uncomfortable. A bug he was crushing to break down my walls. It was all part of his routine but I left flattened. My pain got so much worse. This is healing?
Obviously I am not going back for more abuse and torture but it did teach me something. I am sick and fucking tired of people blaming me for my illness. I have done everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, to get better. Special diets, counselling, grieving groups, journalling, meditating, praying surrounded by white candles, calling on the divine, letting go of the past, crying, screaming, beating pillows...
Fibromyalgia is not my fault. Anyone who thinks so can fuck off and die for all I care. Ten years I have been on a health odyssey and nothing works. I never asked for this. I did not want to give up my aspirations. I did not work my ass off at school only to graduate and give up. I wanted a career more than anything. I fought as long and as hard as I could. Once the pain entered my back, after destroying the rest of my body, I knew it was time to move on to something else. But to blame me for this in any way is just downright cruel.
If you are suffering from any kind of illness or affliction, I want you to hear this: it is not your fault. OK?!!! Your "bad attitude" did not give you your illness. Yes, our attitudes and lifestyle impact our health but they are not responsible for it. Some illnesses are fate. A part of our journey where there is nothing we can do about it. It takes a lot of courage to make peace with what is. Sometimes fighting takes more energy than we can give. Some fights make everything worse.
It is easy to judge others, especially when they are in pain, blaming their bad attitude for their affliction. I want you to consider this: maybe it is the affliction causing the bad attitude?
We have to make choices in our lives. Like the crow in my photograph, I have been trying to crack this nut for ten years. I am glad I tried, I gave it everything I had. Now is the time to make peace with what is and move on with my life. Trying to change a reality that refuses to budge over and over again is actually the definition of insanity.
I choose to make peace with my illness.
I choose sanity.
15 comments:
Oh Suzie! *sigh*
I wish you were here so that you could visit my fibro dr!
If you want, I'll email and tell you how I was finally able to get some relief and begin to get my life back this year.
This is not perfect; it's still a doctor; there was medication involved (and I am the LAST one for meds!), but it worked and I'm better.
I know exactly what you're talking about though.....I've been down with this thing for over 20 years, and was nearly crippled and incapacitated. And it's always been MY FAULT. Just get over it.
It don't work that way folks! I know. I KNOW.
I still have pain. I still have other difficulties (the lupus is still there). But life has been so much easier this year.
We'll talk.
That was certainly no doctor and that dipshit doesn't deserve to be called such. Quack most definitely and a few other choice words.
I'm so sorry this ass treated you this way. It's not your fault. Why would anyone want to be in constant pain? I'm sure you don't, and for him to suggest that your pain is your own doing is possibly the worst thing I've ever heard.
I'm glad you won't be going back to him. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
HUGS!
I'm so sorry to hear about this disastrous counselling session! What a disappointment after waiting so long to get in. Unfortunately it's much too easy to blame people for their illness when that illness is not understood by the medical establishment -- and fibromyalgia is definitely not yet understood or given credence.
Grrr!!! I'm fuming on your behalf, Suzie, for having been treated so horribly by this so-called counsellor. Perhaps his methods work for some people, but I don't know that I'd want them used on me or anyone I love, that's for sure.
I'm so sorry that this experience ended up being such a disappointment after having waited so long to see this person!
I've been lucky enough not to be blamed for my depression, but it's something I know happens a lot. Perhaps one day people will accept that physiology is the cause of many illnesses and conditions, not poor attitudes.
Keep your chin up, my dear, and *hugs* to you!
Jennifer, I would love to hear anything that helps. I am glad to hear you are getting some relief.
Thanks so much for the support everyone. It is shocking that this is the famous "healer" I have been waiting for. He had some interesting ideas but overall the attitude that I am causing this illness is not one I can work with. I've already tried, nothing worked, and he left me feeling way worse than before. With winter looming each day, I need help, not criticism.
Suzie, I am sorry he didn't help, and actually hurt instead. Please don't pin your hope on him. People don't know what causes fibromyalgia or one way to treat all patients successfully so it is easier to just blame the patient. You still have hope, though. You don't have to have a life sentence.
I think that by accepting where you are and the lack of apparent routes out now, you'll be at the best possible place. I had fibro with CFIDS and I had to do this. There was nowhere else I could find to turn. I was afraid I would never get better.
But so many people get better, and I did too (after over a decade). It wasn't something I could effect, but I never gave up hope, because that makes you feel even worse. I tried to live each day continuing to look for a cure and to feel like I would get better--I just didn't know how. And if I never did then I'd die with my hope.
The hardest thing is people not believing what you know is true. It is a terrible onus to put on someone. Then you have to carry that, too. This is a good skill to have though, and it can be your teacher--believing what you know is true even though so many people discount it.
My wish for you is that you will take this as a closed door but not as the last door. That you will not lose your hope nor doubt what you know is true. And that you will keep moving forward--yes, in pain--and yes, one small day at a time. Because healing can come for you too Suzie! It will, it will...this is my hope and my prayer for you.
Sending you love,
O
Oooh Suzie!!
What a horrible thing for someone to do to another soul!! You did not deserve that at all! What a fucking quack!
I don't want to say I understand what it's like, because I am not you... but I do know that I went from age 11 to age 25 with debilitating panic and anxiety attacks happening DAILY and I got the same crap from most of the doctors I came into contact with. Fortunately I found my own way when no one would believe me and their only solution was drugs, drugs, and more drugs...
I wish I could send you something healing and warming... My mother makes these lovely warming wheatbags that help me with my inability to maintain warmth in the winter... perhaps I could send you something like that to help... infused with herbs and care and support!
I most certainly agree with you Suzie...I suffer from chronic pain and have for years. It all started about seven years ago. I have taken everything under the sun to cover the pain, yet the pain in still there. I have had three surgeries on one shoulder, carpal and cubical tunnel on my right arm, epidural shots in my back and neck--which helped for about a year.
I was diagnosed with degenerative back disease at age 29 and pinched nerves from head to toe.
Even after all this dr.'s sometimes make me feel like its all in my head. Like fuck it is--I'm tired of being in pain all the damn time. Of not being able to do daily activities without being in pain to the point of having to sedate myself for a while and meditate trying to push the pain out.
As I sit here writing this my shoulders, my arms, my back, hips and legs hurt. I totally get it--I cant tell you how many times fibromyalgia - has been mentioned and or lupus since I have all the symptoms of it as well, but nothing official except for pinched nerves and disk degeneration...I'm now 35 and sometimes do have a bad attitude. Live in Chronic pain and be in a fucking good mood all the time...geez people piss me off.
Amen sister! I just realized recently that I became sicker when I was following the Law of Attraction because I was repressing my emotions, and believed that those negative emotions made me sicker. DUH! It was repressing them that made it worse. I didn't ask to have two autoimmune disorders and all the junk that goes with them.
The thing that peeved me, too, is that my doctor, upon finding abnormal results all over the place, still stated NOTHING WAS WRONG and that maybe I was DEPRESSED?! Of course I was depressed, I felt AWFUL!! But I felt awful FIRST. Hello?! There is a huge disconnect there. *sigh*
That counselor you saw sounds horrendous.. good riddance I say!
Amen sister! I just realized recently that I became sicker when I was following the Law of Attraction because I was repressing my emotions, and believed that those negative emotions made me sicker. DUH! It was repressing them that made it worse. I didn't ask to have two autoimmune disorders and all the junk that goes with them.
The thing that peeved me, too, is that my doctor, upon finding abnormal results all over the place, still stated NOTHING WAS WRONG and that maybe I was DEPRESSED?! Of course I was depressed, I felt AWFUL!! But I felt awful FIRST. Hello?! There is a huge disconnect there. *sigh*
That counselor you saw sounds horrendous.. good riddance I say!
Sounds like a very harsh treatment. Not something I would want to subject myself to. Did you know before you went in that he does this kind of therapy? It's like submitting yourself to a bully and saying go for it.
Have you ever tried Osteopathy? Gentle and slow.
It amazes me that people who profess to be healers can be so thoughtless and cruel.
To believe that any sane person would want to be sick is insane to me!
Hi Suzie,
Well that sounds just awful! I know what you mean about being blamed for not being well, I have family members I can't even talk to about not feeling well because that's all I get from them, I'm not being positive enough, and I'm making myself sick, etc. It is a pretty lonely place to be, especially when sometimes it would just be nice to have a shoulder to lean on....
I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience Suzie. It's heartbreaking to ask for help, have to wait for it, and for it to be thrown back in your face. (Wow, did your post ever trigger some frustrations of my own btw!)
I'm glad you're not going back and that you know you deserve better. I hope you find some of the answers you need so very soon. Sending you huge hugs.
I have no words to express how horrified I am at what this man called therapy.
I am sorry that after waiting so long that he was not the healer you wre seeking.
{{{{ big hugs }}}
Mama Kelly aka Jia
bladeandcauldron.com/blog
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