I took this photograph through the glass of a bus shelter that has black mold on the ceiling while waiting for a bus. Yes, that is garbage on the ground, no surprise. It has been dark, chilly and so very, very wet here in Nova Scotia. There has been flooding everywhere. Even our little river has gone wild.
It is not easy for me to leave the house even in this weather. No, it isn't snowing but the dank gets into my bones. When I am walking it isn't too bad but waiting for the bus with no place to sit gets painful. Especially when you have to show up 10 minutes before the bus is supposed to arrive because sometimes it just does that. My bus only runs every 30 minutes and I started to realize I had waited more than 45 minutes. Holy crap, my bus is not coming! I had to be at the doctor's office in 15 minutes, I don't have a cell phone, there are no pay phones, no cabs will stop and pick me up. My back is screaming in pain. I have to do something.
I run across the crazy traffic up a hill and across the parking lots of a grocery store to find a cab. As I do so I can hear the tendons in my ankles and knees clicking, on the verge of tearing. I end up paying $22 to get to my appointment on time, wet and chilled to the bone. I talk to my amazing doctor who helps me with my medical issues only to find out that she is leaving the country. I want to cry. I just can't. You know why? Nothing surprises me anymore.
Finding a good doctor anywhere is hard for me. I usually go through quite a few of them before I settle down with one I trust. The person replacing her is a male and that makes me uncomfortable. Soon I will be doctor-less. I found out that even my dentist is thinking about moving her practice and I know it will be farther away from where I am now, making it impossible for me to go. First my hairdresser, now my healers... why is everyone else's lives changing but mine?
By the time I get out of the appointment it is raining buckets, I mean BUCKETS of water. I can't trust the buses so I take another $22 cab ride home. I can't afford this. I am so wiped, sad, angry and frustrated that I order takeout from a Chinese food place that sends me rancid food. Today I have to call the Board of Health to investigate them and I need to call them and complain. The only good part of yesterday was they did not give me food poisoning, probably because I spat the food out because it was inedible.
So yeah, yesterday was a crap day. Seriously disappointing and heartbreaking. I have few support systems and they're all leaving me. I have never wanted to run away from a place more in my life.
You know I try and be positive. I went out yesterday not angry that I was stuck waiting in the rain for my bus because I knew that it would come and my doctor was there to help me. As usual, my life here is a complete and utter disappointment.
I see no reason to leave my house. Seriously. What is the point?
9 comments:
I hope things start looking up soon for you, Suzie!
I am so sorry, Suzie! Wish I could do something to help. :(
Whenever I read your reports on daily life, dear, I think: what might her hubby think, seeing you in such desperation?
I think you only have 2 possibilities: leaving or doing something to see it all the other way round, to look on it from another point of view and to re-gain your good spirits.
I agree with LaWendula, Suzie. I just hate to see you experiencing life like this. Seriously, it might be good to stay home for a while and just garner your strength before venturing out into what can be a hostile environment. I would have some nestling-in days to try to recover.
I do feel badly for you and hope that something will change soon.
I have been in places that were hostile to who I was and know the feeling of being desperate to get out. Once I eventually did get out, I never, ever want to go back, even for things like funerals, weddings, etc. Long Island is such a place for me. I have never been back. As I left the last time it felt like there was a dark cloud over it and that I was coming out from under it. I have never felt so negatively about a place before, and the relief at getting out was incredible. I know many people live there and love it, but for me it was hostile.
I know that I am incredibly sensitive to place and need to always consider it. I am so fortunate to live in a place of beauty now and hope that this doesn't change. I wish the same for you, Suzie!
Rest, healing, and peace,
O
Hi Suzie
That sounds awful, I hope today is better for you. I know how much that sucks to lose a doctor that you like and trust, they are so few and far between and so important to you when you don't feel good : (
Sending good thoughts
Thank you for the support everyone. It is hard for my husband too although he got to go home this summer and he gets to escape here more than I do. I do try my best to live a good live in my kitchen but once I leave the house? Ugh!
It is so helpful for me to know that I am not the only one sensitive to a place and it being a bad, bad connection. I know many people live here happily but I am sure they can drive a car which makes all the difference in the world here.
I know one day we will leave. If I had the power in my hands you know I would leave but I made a commitment to be here for a while and I will honour that. As soon as I can though, I am so outta here.
((((((hugs)))) full of love, Suzie! I'm so happy that yu're not going to be in Nova Scotia for too long now - that's what I feel. Hang in there and do try to stay indoors and rest well. DO some magick while at home, even if not in the mood; it will help you regain your energy back.
Kisses and much love from us.
Hugs...sorry to hear your angry and pain.
Coffee is on.
What a horrible day for you, my friend. I'm hoping that there is going to be a big turnaround for you and that this Winter will be kinder to you.
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