I live in fear, a lot. Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with anxiety. I was introduced to death before I could really speak. It has left me profoundly entwined with a love/hate relationship with the other side. Still, every time a new health issue comes up, I fall into despair.
I have recently been a witness to how fear can ruin a life. Warp it, scar it and leave deep wounds that may not heal. It has taught me how much I don't want that to be me. I have had a lot of fears that ended up being very real. Not listening can have huge consequences. The hardest part is figuring out which fears are real and which are false.
For a long time now, I have had problems reading. Funny, considering I used to be an editor. I read for a living, long time ago. Last week things got much worse. All of a sudden, I could not read at all. I had these sparkles in front of my eyes and could not see words, period. Fear stricken, again.
I decided to lie down. I was determined not to panic. I was not going to cry. I was just going to take care of myself. I made an appointment with the eye doctor and then had many sleepless nights. Yesterday I found out that the fibro is so bad, even my eyeballs are getting weak. They had an ocular migraine. Yes, such a thing exist! No pain, just short circuiting. Oh and I now need reading glasses.
So no brain tumour. No cataract. My eyes are actually quite healthy and my vision is very good. My eyes are just get tired very easily, just like the rest of me.
I took this photo as I walked home yesterday, so relieved. So proud that I did not have a meltdown. I kept it together and I am fine. Yes, I was scared and my brain went over many avenues of fear but I did not freak out.
Of course it is totally OK to process fear. I did that on my own. But I know now how dangerous and vicious the cycle of fear can become and I refused to let that happen. My muscles may be getting weaker but perhaps my spirit is finally becoming stronger.
4 comments:
I'm so so proud of you!! You dealt with this with such bravery and calm, even expecting something really bad! I'm relieved that it wasn't a irreversibe situation and that you can fix it with your new glasses (I bet you'll look charming with them), and respecting your time. Sorry that you had such rough time, dear!
I'm a notorious anxious person myself so I can relate to your words in some degree, and it's awesome that you really learned to "get ouf of yourself" and get a clearer perspective of what was going on and controled yourself not to panic.
You rock!
Kisses and lots of love from us.
Good job! I have panic issues as well, and it's hard to talk yourself through and NOT get worked up!
I have also had ocular migraines on occasion. They are very scary. The first time I had one, I had Mike take me to the doctor immediately. Nuts!
You're going to look great in your glasses!
Good for you, Suzie! And I'm glad everything turned out well. Now you rest those poor little eyeballs a bit!
Glad it is just reading glassses and ocular migraine. I've had those and they ARE scary. Anything with the eyes is frightening. The thought of impaired sight terrifies me.I think we are both very "visual" people and the loss of it would be devastating.
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