The Happy Book

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This is one of the last meals I made for my husband before he had to go away, Valentine's Day brunch. Yes, normally I would never cook anything on Valentine's Day but our lives are very challenging right now and we could not put ourselves first. That said, my husband is coming home today!

It is hard for me and my husband to be separated for long periods of time. This is actually a short one in comparison to other trips he has taken for work. Our relationship started as a long distance one that lasted three months before I left Toronto and moved in with him in Ottawa! I still wonder why people didn't think I was crazy for doing so but when you meet him, well, you figure out pretty quickly he is worth the risk.

Today the winds and rain are wild (thank god it isn't snowing!), brewing up a nasty storm, and I just want my guy to get home safe and sound. I can hardly wait!

Wishcasting: What do you wish to give yourself permission for?

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Today Jamie at Wishcasting asks, What do you wish to give yourself permission for?

To protect myself from any harm

I starting lighting this candle for a dear online friend so that she may be protected from cancer. On top of this wish I also ask that I be protected from harm.

First I loss the use of my hand last month. This week I have pulled a muscle in my lower back and have been tortured with spasms and had to take lots and lots of pills. The winter is getting deeper and deeper like gremlin tearing at my muscles. This has been a "good" winter according to the locals and it is still damaging me all over. I can not make friends with a torturer.

I give myself permission to do whatever I need to, to protect myself from this pain. It includes putting myself first, being more strict about my computer time and one day getting out the hell out of here.

Another Hexed Episode!

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Episode 2

Hexed Podcast's Podcast

Winter seems to have gotten to me, I am having some serious back problems and am going to have to couch surf for a while to hopefully heal while on many, many pain killers. In the meantime if you have want to hang out with me and Shannon once more we are discussing last week's Past Life episode and why we love Supernatural so much and I even share some trivia about the show that we found fascinating! We also set up a Facebook Fan Page so if you like the show, please feel free to join. So many already have, you all rock! If you do not want to listen to it here, then try here.

With the Olympics on and the Food Network repeating, I will be on my couch heavily sedated, trying to not lose my mind. At least here you can hear me and Shannon giggle, my chair squeak spookily on a regular basis and get lots of paranormal TV talk. Reincarnation, soul recognition, the introduction of Christianity into Supernatural... if you like hearing about these topics I think you will enjoy the show.

Off to the couch!

Hexed: Sisterhood of the Supernatural

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Episode 001

Hexed Podcast's Podcast

Last week my sister Shannon and I did a live broadcast about supernatural TV shows. Our show is called Hexed and thank you to those who tuned in, especially since we may have cursed ourselves with some technical difficulties by calling ourselves Hexed but I don't care, I really like the name. Shannon has graciously and tirelessly edited the podcast and put it up online, Shannon, you are the best! If you have trouble listening to it here then try here instead.

For our first "episode" we discussed in detail (spoilers in other words) the last episodes of Vampire Diaries and Supernatural that were on over a week ago now (they are currently on hiatus until forever, I mean March) as well as talk about our first impressions of the brand new show Past Life.

If you listen, please forgive my silly little nervous laughter which irks me to the core when I listen to the podcast! Hopefully it will come across as less annoying to you, hehe. Darn, there I go again!

So if you enjoy the fictional paranormal shows, I do hope you have fun listening to us gab about spooky TV stuff. I really enjoyed talking about the use of magic by the witches in Vampire Diaries in particular, like I have had any personal experience doing a ritual opening a portal under a graveyard, sheesh! Still, it's fun to dream spooky dreams.

The Happy Book

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This week for Jamie's Book Club The Happy Book I will talk about movies. Movies are hugely important to me. They are to my whole family. Our sister Shannon is The Movie Moxie after all. There is no better escape from a crappy reality than the movies. Here I am looking all cheesy with my 3D glasses on waiting to watch Avatar in 3D, which I totally loved! That is my version of Calgon, take me away!

My first movie was sleeping through Bambi at a drive-in in Montreal. The first "awake" movie was Star Wars. The first movie party I threw was Alien which was completely inappropriate for 12-year-olds but I loved it and wanted to freak people out.

Normally I do not watch anything twice. What's the point? I know what's going to happen right? Well lately I have been missing family classics. Growing up the movie Better Off Dead was a Ridler cult classic. I had not seen it in a long, long time but yearned for so many moments that my family still chants to this day, "Two dollars!" Yes, it is immature and stupid but it is also genius when it comes to surrealism. I had no idea! My mom bought it for me for Christmas and last week I shared it with my friends Mike & Jen who, having supremely good taste in silly movies like we do, had seen it before and walked with us down movie-going memory lane.

My dad used to rent movies ever weekend and we used to get pizza, chips and pop to go with it. I always looked forward to this ritual, even when the movies were not to my taste. I always knew that it was the weekend when I could stay home and see a movie with my family and pig out. I rarely allow myself to have chips and pop anymore but with our friends coming over and pizza for dinner, well, I always say if you're going to be bad, be REALLY bad.

I miss John Hughes so much, his movies were my favourite escape. Yes, I am crazy about spooky horror movies but charming teen romances are also way up my list. They don't make them like they used to. Seriously, they don't.

I have to pick my movies carefully these days. I am beyond sensitive when it comes to characters' pain. Yes, I am even empathic when it comes to fictional people. I watched a sad movie with my mom while she was visiting and I wept and wept and wept. She asked me, "Suzie, haven't you seen this movie before?" I could barely breathe but got the words out, "Many times. It kills me every time." See, I don't get less sensitive. In fact, I just get worse. Great!

So I watch a lot of fluff these days. I prefer spooky horror but no one will watch them with me. Bring on kung fu movies, action movies, superhero movies... the less sad moments the better. I want movies to take me away from reality, not make me deal with it. I have had enough of that!

Snow-hell

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A giant snowstorm from hell has swooped in and I have to go out and shovel and hope I don't tear or break something. If I don't do it, I will get barricaded in my house. I have no wishes left other than to leave this place. I am sick of my own whining and complaining. I wish I could forget what I gave up. This is where I used to live in BC before I moved to the island:

I lived 1400 feet in the air on a plateau surrounded by mountains and this is as close as the snow would come to me. Notice, zero garbage. We went to the Caribbean once and I said, our neighbourhood is more beautiful than here, why did we leave?

Why did we leave indeed.

OK, I am off to hit the snow and hope I don't end up in the hospital. I can't say I hate it here enough. I am a prisoner to snow, migraines and a broken heart that won't heal. Yeah, I'm pathetic.

Update: We got a foot of snow overnight! And the snow warning is still in effect. Oh how my arms and hands burn after shoveling. I am going back to bed and the only thing that is going to get me out of it is making hot and sour soup. Thank god I got groceries yesterday because I refuse to go outside ever again! Or at least until I run out of food.

Big Dogs, Big Hearts

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You say roses, chocolate and champagne for Valentine's Day? We say, a cute puppy. Yes, my husband and I went to the Halifax Dog Show on the weekend. Some people get all warm and fuzzy looking at babies. Me? It's all about the puppies. We have been waiting for the right time to get a dog (I take the responsibility uber seriously) but in the meantime we happily hang out with dogs. This is a a Bernese Mountain Dog puppy, he was huge! And his fur was still all fuzzy. So cute!

This dog was performing in the obedience training portion but liked kids way more than running the course. This dog worshipped children and took every opportunity to stop running the course and hang out with them. So adorable.

What can I say? I just love hounds and basset hounds with their sad faces are one of my favs. I have loved them since I was a little girl.

This dalmation was the calmest dalmation I have ever seen! He was chosen to participate in the Best In Show category.

This greyhound kept me company during the show by resting his head on my lap on a regular basis. So big and long!

I am not really in to competition but I loved this part where the judge (who was so very cool) watched them run with her eagle eyes before committing to her decision about the winner.

On the way out the Great Dane who was competing in the show nestled her nose into my husband's pocket which was quite easy for her to do consider her immense height! My husband thinks she was looking for treats. I think she had good taste!

Yup, some couples go away for romantic weekends but we left the show with big smiles on our faces. Nothing better than cute dogs to cheer us up and warm our hearts.

Suzie the Masochist

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Last night my husband really wanted to watch the opening of the Olympics in Vancouver. I spend most of my time trying to not see reminders of my home, believe it or not I am trying to heal that wound. I am also not a huge fan of competition so I thought I would just avoid it altogether. Well Reg wanted to watch it and I guess he is more of a glutton for punishment than I am. I asked him why he wanted to watch and he said, "It's my home." Sigh. How could I argue with that?

I am devoutly Canadian. I love my country so much. As a typical Canadian, I don't talk about it that much. I just carry that torch with me quietly. But wow, there was nothing quiet about Canada last night! How uncharacteristic of us to be so patriotic, so publicly.

It was so exciting to see so many Canadian athletes walk onto the impressive Native-inspired set and have the world see us, really see us.

The show was a visual spectacle I will never forget. To see the Spirit Bear honoured on such a great scale took my breath away! So BC. And speaking of so BC...

The orcas of the gentle and kind Pacific ocean, absolutely stunning. I really do not know how they did this visual, even the stage breathed from real blow holes to capture the spirit of whales in the water, we totally freaked at this point. Then they moved to Cathedral Grove:

I didn't bother taking photographs since in our hearts we were back there, hugging those huge ancient trees along with the dancers. This places is in our bones. This is our true church.

After than they moved across the country from place to place. From French-Canadian folk storytelling, Maritime fiddling and dancing, to the prairies. Flying across the prairies made a lot of sense to me, as someone who has driven across those wheat fields that last forever, although if you haven't been there that part might have had you scratching your head.

I can't imagine what it must have been like in downtown Vancouver when all those fireworks went off. The place must have been a zoo and so super excited. To have that followed by Wayne Gretzky driving down the streets to the outdoor torch:

Must have been a moment of a lifetime.

Yes, I am probably an idiot for watching until the wee hours last night being brought to tears by homesickness once again but even I could not help it. This is such a shining moment for Canada, for BC, my home. I wish more than anything that I could be there to be a part of this historic time.

The Happy Book

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I am one of the few people who happily admits to watching a lot of TV. So I thought it was appropriate that for this week's post for The Happy Book I would talk about my pleasure in indulging in television.

I grew up in a household that watched TV. With four kids in the house we fought a lot about what we were going to watch. When I left home to live with my future husband, I had no idea how hard it was going to be to live without a TV. At first when we lived with friends (hey Michelle!) we got basic cable but then when we were on our own... nothing. The quiet drove me crazy! I was used to a loud house with crazy siblings and when I have time, my TV shows.

We eventually got a TV but rarely got beyond basic cable. It wasn't until my husband changed careers that we had the money to get more than just the basics and when we did, I could not believe how happy I was. I ate up the Food Network like I was starving and now I can get just about every paranormal television program out there!

My favourite non-fiction paranormal show is Paranormal State. Unlike other paranormal shows, Ryan will not leave people until they feel safer and that the mystery of the crazy stuff going on has been figured out. He is not there just to prove the existence of ghosts, his primary focus is on helping people. I LOVE that!

I have been watching Supernatural since the first episode. When it came on there was zero paranormal content out there and man, I LOVE it! No, I hate the stupid sexism that shows up on the show and want to smack them in the head for it but wow, this is a show that started off so strong. It got magick RIGHT. They even knew about tulpas! I had only learned quite recently at the time what they were.

I had to go through surgery with my husband away once and my sister Shannon came out to help me through it. When I got home I started to shake and then it escalated and I almost went into convulsions. Then, Supernatural came on. I swear, I stopped shaking. The scarier the show got, the most relaxed I became. By the end of the show, I was fine. It was like a paranormal miracle!

Now I know, most people would find these shows so scary, how on earth could they make me happy? I have no idea, I just know that they do. They fire me up, they get me all excited and inspired. Life after death? What could be a cooler concept?! Why does that scare people? No life after death, now that is scary to me. I have never been scared of what is on the Other Side. This side is way more scary to me.

I would like to announce something very cool that hopefully will be happening on Monday. Shannon has asked me to do a live online chat about all things TV and Supernatural Monday night 7 pm Eastern. Shannon is The Movie Moxie and well, I have always been the TV junkie and we both love spooky and scary stuff. Our focus will primarily be on things like Supernatural, Vampire Diaries and maybe even the new show Past Lives. I invite you to find out more Monday on my blog here and hopefully if all goes well we will do a regular chat Monday nights together about all things spooky!

I don't care what anyone says, TV is a fun way to escape reality. At night, it is the only thing I can do because of my fibromyalgia. It helps calm me down and get me ready for bed. And hopefully bring me spooky dreams.

My own ghost story

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I took this photograph two weeks ago. I had no food, had to go out and we had exactly the same weather conditions the day we had our accident. There are no sidewalks here so the cars streaming by me super close were just inches away from knocking me into the ditch. I was freakin' terrified the entire walk home, knowing how easy it is to lose control of your car here.

Yesterday was the second anniversary of our head on collision. I had a migraine swoop down on me and crush me. I wasn't even cognizant of the date until I went to bed, feeling like death. I saw the calendar and said, "Of course."

I feel like I died that day. Sometimes I wonder if I did. If I had died it would explain this ghost-life I have been living ever since. I mean most ghosts don't know they are ghosts, so maybe I am? I don't feel alive. I live the same boring existence every single day. Nothing changes.

But I remember healing from the accident. I remember my knees shooting in front of me smashing into the dashboard. The seatbelt cutting and smashing into my chest and ribs. Not being able to turn around to unlock the car. The surrealism of turning and seeing a bag of salad on my husband's head after he had smashed his face into the steering wheel, asking me if I was OK. A box of frozen chicken had flown over my head and landed at my feet, a miracle that it had not killed me.

We had managed to get out of the car when another car lost control and smashed into ours. My husband staggering, not being able to stand upright. The ambulance, him on a stretcher not talking right, our car just a pile of metal filled with hundreds of dollars of groceries we had bought seconds ago. We had moved into our house a month ago and all my dreams of happiness in Nova Scotia were over. We have never recovered. My counsellor said that it probably wasn't possible. Post Traumatic Stress of living through that and having to walk by it every day, opens the wound. Her advice? Move away. And I would, in a heartbeat.

Nothing is up to me anymore. I sit and wait and dream and ask but I am frozen in time here. Physical wounds have mostly healed but this spirit is broken. And I have to go out there again and walk by that spot where pieces of our cars still lies in the ditch. A ghost in a parka lost in the month of February, every day seems to be winter in my heart.

Wishcasting: Where do you wish to travel?

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Back to where I used to sit on the giant logs at the lagoon and hang out with the ocean. Watch people walk their dogs and laugh with their kids. I would take out my notebook and write in my journal with sand under my feet. This is where I belong. This is where I am, most moments. Whether I am folding my laundry or chopping my veggies, this is where my spirit dwells. I hope that soon my future self will be back there, where I belong, instead of performing time travel which is not good for me. But you asked.

This is where I wish to be and it is disappearing from me. My laptop with all my photos from Vancouver Island is dead. I can not find the backups anywhere. I found this photo online, very rare. I am losing grasp of my life there, the best year and a half of my life. All I have are the visions in my head a few photos online. It feels like death, such a profound loss. All those photos. Where are they?

When am I?

The White Cocoon

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Today, I have no words. Just the cold and being trapped inside and with roads like this, well, there is no room for me here anyway.

Couch Surfing

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Toning it down for a bit, I crashed the last couple of days. No, it wasn't the screaming and the ranting. Just my body shutting down from the deep freeze we are STILL surviving right now. We had a little medical crisis here (not me, my husband, poor guy!) and had to cancel our pizza and Better Off Dead movie night with our friends. So I turned on my electric heater, brought it up close to me, covered myself in blankets and ODd on The Food Network shows I have piling up to watch.

Tonight the moon will be going into fun Sagittarius and we are hoping to get out to an event even though it is going to be crazy cold tonight. As much as I love Scorpio's intensity, I think getting a fun break will be awesome. On Facebook I found out that many of my blogging gal pals are doing artsy things today! I think that is the perfect way to spend the weekend, getting all inspired.

We all need to cocoon for a while so we can brave the elements later.

The Happy Book

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I had this post all planned and then something amazing happened yesterday, something that blew my mind. You ladies turned up at my pity party and made me so happy! Not only did I laugh like crazy I even cackled evilly for a bit. Here are some of the highlights:

I'm sick of living in my white-bread, bankerly, conservative hometown, where I sometimes feel so repressed I can hardly breathe.

a heart always happy because we are always suppose to be living in that perfect world...to me those who believe ever so i think it is a lie...

I hate having to deal with stupid parents who do not keep their sick children at home

I am also sick of weighing 80 lbs more than I used to before the Fibro hit!

life is fucking frustrating.

I'm sick and tired TO DEATH of being poor, desperately chasing down the few dead-end job opportunities in the ugly town I live in.

I am getting in shape now but it is FOR ME not anyone else.. so THERE MOTHER FUCKERS!!

I hate being apathetic and lethargic.

I hate not knowing WHO I WANT TO BE!

*RAWR!!!!!!!!* I just want to scream and scream like you did in the car Suzie.

They were all amazing and should all be read and honoured, you can find the comments here.

As heartbreaking as it was to read how much pain and frustration we are all going through, it made me happy to see so many women be completely bad assed. I noticed that some of you deleted your comments later which I honour as well. That is totally OK. Getting it out was the important thing.

So what makes me happy this week? Next to all these women who were brave enough to say "I'm sick of it and I'm not going to take it anymore!" what makes me happy is I got to be once again, a shit disturber. Something I have been made to feel guilty for all my life. Now, I embrace it.

I went to see a counsellor about a year ago and she asked me to described what I like about myself. I told her that I was a warrior, that I wasn't afraid to fight and complain. That I was truthful, opinionated and tough. She said, "Wow, those are things people are usually hated for." I said, "Yeah, I got over that years ago."

I have always been a troublemaker. I don't fit in. I never say the right thing. I can't stand back when I see something wrong happening. I have never understood this pressure for women to not stand up for something or complain. Not be their own hero. That is a foreign concept to me and I can not tell you how happy it made me to hear so many women finally admit that there is something wrong with their lives.

Admitting that life sucks is the first step to turning it around and taking control of it. If you keep trying to make it OK, it will continue to be crappy.

We deserve better. We DO! Whether it is our partners treating us badly, a bully boss at work, kids taking over the house, friends who are only leeches... whatever, you deserve better.

And I do too!

Thanks for turning around my day yesterday from a pity party to one that got all crazy and empowering and intense! I hope that it is has helped inspire some big realizations for you and bring positive change to your life.

I adore my rebel lady friends. You totally rocked my world.

Come join my pity party, if you dare!

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WARNING: There is vile and offensive language ahead, read on if you can handle it

Even my tarot cards are saying Suzie, stop feeling sorry for yourself! There she is having a picnic party all by herself, all sad and alone and pathetic when she should be focusing on the good in life.

Tell me something I don't know. So you know what? Maybe in order to get to the positive, we have to work and express the negative. I know, it's better to be all positive and lalalala but sometimes you just want to say, fuck it! I hate how things are. I mean I HATE it! But we we are all supposed to be nice and composed and hope for the best. Screw it! For real change to happen we have to say, stop all this crap NOW!

Want to join me? Dare you say what you are REALLY feeling right now? Maybe everything is OK and that's awesome. I am happy for you. But maybe you want to scream and feel you shouldn't? We as women are controlled by this unseen force to be polite and not rock the boat. Well I say ROCK IT! Rock that fucking boat as hard as you can. Maybe nothing is going to change until you rock yourself right out of that fucking boat and into that big, scary ocean.

This sense of anarchy brewing in the pit of my gut started yesterday when I wanted to go out for some Asian ingredients. I didn't have what I needed, I had to go outside. It was -30C with the windchill. That is fucking cold! The kind of cold that hurts to breathe and here I am crazy and going outside for wonton wrappers and Napa cabbage. Is that too much to ask? It got me thinking of my last really big pity party.

I was 11 years old at Christian summer camp. Yeah, you can imagine eh? Nobody liked me, I was an immediate outcast (trying to be a good Christian at the time) and people were mean. Then something really horrible and embarrassing happened. It hurt so badly and was an absolute nightmare for me and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My family came halfway through the trip to visit. I locked myself in the car and screamed to go home. I was desperate. I screamed, screamed and screamed some more. I think hours must have gone by. I realized, nothing I did was going to make them take me home. I got out of the car and survived the last week of camp, vowing never to return.

Well that's how I have been feeling here. I am screaming and nothing is changing. I have locked myself in the car and have been cooking and baking with a Betty Crocker cigarette-lighter-powered oven, ignoring the reality that I am not going anywhere. Lalalalalalala I keep chanting to myself, hoping it's going to change.

So I raise a mug to pathetic me and hope that you join me in toasting Sad Little Suzie. Let her cry, scream and have her immature tantrums hopefully come to an end. I know, it's time to move on and stop obsessing about going back. It's been two years and I am still here, not one little bit closer to my future. Just stuck in this unchanging time warp, drinking hot chocolate and remember the ghost of my last life in BC.

To the future. To less breakdowns of spirit. To freedom. To no longer looking back. To seeing into a new future. To change. To growth.

To getting out of the fucking car.

What is it you need to say? Feel free to say it. SCREAM it. This is a safe place to vent about the frustrations of your life. Trust me, it feels good. Then, we will move on together.

Wishcasting: What story do you wish to live or let go of?

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This week for Wishcasting I wish to let go of the story that portrays me as a victim. Someone who royally screwed up and is now being punished for it and is now imprisoned by that decision and nothing will ever change for the better. That is the story I feel trapped in and I want to burn it all away.

I wish to replace it with a story about a woman who rises up against adversity and lives the life she wants. Who shields herself from other people's pain and suffering and finds joy and makes her way back home. Not a victim. Her own hero.

Blessed Imbolc

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As I wrote yesterday, I wanted to do a simple ritual to celebrate the returning of the light for Imbolc. I had these quartz wands I had bought a while ago waiting to be used and cleansed and thought this would be the perfect place to begin. After I cleaned up my crafts room though!

Stuff is off the floor, everything put away and even a ton of stuff is ready to be recycled. Yes, I can breathe again! The sun is shining but you can not feel it today, it is one of the coldest days of the year here in Nova Scotia and we are supposed to be in for six more weeks of winter. Yeah, like I couldn't see that coming.

I had some holy water that I made in the fall that I thought would be perfect for this ritual. I filled up a large glass vessel with the water so the sunshine could get to it easily.

Each crystal represented a wound I wanted to heal. I mentioned what each wound was as I put each crystal into the water and asked for the wound to be healed.

Five major wounds rest in the water on my altar in the cleansing sunshine, a hint of spring's return. I ask for many elements of my life to be healed and to be changed for the better. I will keep the crystals in the water until the pain is either gone or it is time to ask once again.

Do you have wounds that need spiritual tending to? The sun is returning. Think, figure out what you want to ask for and then ask when you feel you are ready. Listen to your intuition. Follow that inner voice.

Getting organized for Imbolc

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Once again, I have been avoiding my crafts room like the plague. I really hate mess and disorganization and the place is a disaster. Inboxes overflowing, dreamboard falling to the ground, a package mailed to me from my dear friend Michelle over a month ago not even opened...!!!

I finally got my Witch's Datebook for 2010. Without it I have felt blind. I did not know that it was dreamboard time. I had no sense of the moon and what was going on because I rarely leave my house. I missed out on creating a Cold Moon Dreamboard and I won't have that any longer!

Tomorrow is Imbolc, a time to plant seeds for the future. In my datebook it suggests getting a crystal for each wound and putting it in a bowl of water. "Name each crystal for something in your life that needs to be healed and drop them one by one into the bowl. As each healing occurs, remove the crystal. When the bowl is empty, pour away the water."

What a beautiful idea! So I am going to tackle some of the mess in my crafts room to prepare for this ritual tomorrow. I hope you join me! I know many people are suffering losses in their lives or holding on to deep infected wounds. Please feel free to participate in any way that makes you feel better, even if it is only to clean out that inbox that has been driving you crazy.

I recommend also lighting a candle on February 2nd. The light is returning and we can honour that truth together. I know that when I did groceries with my husband yesterday that we were coming home at 5 pm and there was still some sun shining, despite the crazy cold. Tomorrow I am going to stay inside, do this ritual and honour the returning of the light. I hope you join me.