Merry Christmas, Winter Solstice and all that jazz

On Christmas Eve my husband and I were out in the cold decoration our deck and trees. We finally got a small break in the weather and got to go out, get Christmas shopping, food and outdoor decorations that apparently are shatterproof. I tested this theory when my weak trembling frozen fingers dropped them onto pavement many times.



We were thrilled with the effect! The hardest part was finding garland but we managed and then there was no stopping us.



We even decorated the deciduous trees and one of our neighbours stopped by to tell us how much they loved them!



Even though I don't technically celebrate Christmas in a spiritual way, it is still fun to turn on the Yule tree, have a fire burning in our fireplace and open presents from our families. Maybe next year I will get home for Christmas but there is something special about the holidays in your own home which is something we have wanted for a very long time. Most years my husband I have been separated for Christmas, our families in two different provinces. It was a tough year and I think just vegging amongst all the wrapping paper and chaos in our house was just what we needed.

Whatever you celebrate (or don't) I hope you are having a great holiday! I'm going to be taking it easy, hoping to get out to lots of movies and just relaxing for a while. We have a huge storm coming for the fourth Monday in a row and this time it might bring snow. I may end up watching more movies on TV than going out to the theatre if we get snowed in but my fridge is full so who cares right?

Brightest Blessings to all!

~ Suzie

Blessed Yule!

Well we did not get out to feast at a fancy restaurant last night to celebrate the Winter Solstice but we did finally decorate our Yule tree. I love all our decorations. They come from so many loved ones in our lives including my family, my husband's, friends, friends from work...



One of my favourites are these vintage houses that are at least 50 years old that my mother-in-law Lorraine gave us. Just looking at them take me to a different world where Christmases were more simple and less hassle. For her they meant baking at home, giving away loaves of fresh bread and everyone getting together to play musical instruments together and sing carols. My husband put an LED light in the back of the house to light it from within. I can imagine those Christmases of his childhood in that little house and it makes me feel all warm inside.

We are still getting pounded by winds of the nor-easter storm but thank goodness there is no snow, we would be screwed! Still, we decided to stay inside last night and I made panko chicken sandwiches on fresh homemade dill bread with a side of cream of mushroom soup made from scratch. Might not be fancy like in the restaurants but it tasted like home.

Blessed Winter Solstice!

After yesterday's pathetic holiday blues post, my husband and I got our butt's in gear and got out some of the decorations for the Winter Solstice. We bought these giant snowflake lights last year and I still totally love them.



We put miniature snowflake lights around my crafts room window which gives it a magickal facelift. I may keep them up all year, I love them that much.



It took some creative problem solving to get these up in our window but wow, do they ever encompass the magickal blue of the winter solstice.

Tonight will be the longest night of the year and then, finally, the sun will begin its gradual return. The moon is full, the lunar eclipse happened in the early morning... although short, today is a powerful day. Yes, winter is finally hear which makes me want to weep but our giant storm brought no snow with it, so far. So I am doing OK. I am frozen and in lots of pain but we are putting up the tree tonight in honour of Yule which is spirit lifting.

However you celebrate the return of the sun, I hope you are enjoying many homemade cookies, hot chocolate and that the hearth fires are burning bright.

Holiday Blues

I love this idea, decorating the trees outside with giant ornaments. We were planning on picking some up and giving it a shot. We are so behind this year. More down than usual for the holidays. And according to Storm Watch, our forecasted green Christmas has now been replace with the storm of the century. That is life in Nova Scotia. You think everything is going to be fine and then the weather comes and blasts everything to pieces. No point putting out the decorations, no time either. This storm is supposed to last four days. Decorations will just end up shattered.

We have done no Yule shopping. No tree is up in our home. No lights in the windows. I got out yesterday to buy emergency food supplies but no food for feasting. We were going to go out and celebrating Yule at a beautiful restaurant but with the storm coming, now I have to cook on my holiday. Yeah, I am not a happy camper.

This will be at least the fourth year in a row I do not get home to my family for the holidays. We will probably be stuck snow-bound the entire week. Freezing rain slicking the streets, making going anywhere dangerously impossible. When we were poor living in a suburb on a mountain in BC we did not feel this alone at Christmas. Our landlords would always pop by with homemade baked treats. The raccoons would always be around. Maybe we would hear the coyotes? The bears slumbering in caves close by. It took moving here to teach me the real meaning of the word loneliness.

Three years exile

It was three years ago I left the budding apple blossoms on Vancouver Island to get on a plane and come to the other side of the country. We landed just ahead of a brutal winter snowstorm that our friends Mike and Jen got caught in, right behind us. I got to my mother-in-law's and fell onto the spare bed in exhaustion, only to wake up and find out that the Maritimes was now covered in a foot of snow. Life got worse and worse for a long time after that. There were many times I thought I would lose my mind and I am sure there were moment I fell into the abyss of insanity. Each day I have walked along that frightening rim, trying to find my way back home.

Three years and this will be my fourth winter here. We are getting off easy. The rest of Canada suffers. Even the island has had more snow than we have. When will it feel easier to me? Is there any making this better? I wish I knew if I was any closer to going home or will there be another three years ahead of me? Perhaps it is better if I do not know, every day is hard enough.

We are approaching the winter solstice. I do look forward to the Sun's return and yet, I feel like the pagan in me hardly breathes. I light candles now, it helps. It always amazes me that firelight does make me feel less alone. Still, my homesickness only deepens. I wonder how that can even be possible? How can it get worse?

I left Toronto and my family fifteen years ago. It was not easy but I mutated and survived, as my husband likes to say. In fifteen years I have moved nine times. I am not a newbie to change. I am not a child, young and naive, missing her mommy. This is the first time I have leapt and a part of me has been left behind. I try, nothing makes it better. I get through each day, one recipe at a time. I focus on the food and making delicious memories. It is all I have.

Three years... I have now been here twice as long as I lived on Vancouver Island. I can't wrap my brain around that fact. Of course it feels like decades. I do not expect things to get better. I only ask that they don't get worse. How is it that time in winter falls like the most patient snowflake? Its slowness makes me want to scream.

Instead, I bake cookies.

BTW, right after I published this, a snowstorm started! Good grief.

Eyeball Migraines and lots and lots of fear

I live in fear, a lot. Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with anxiety. I was introduced to death before I could really speak. It has left me profoundly entwined with a love/hate relationship with the other side. Still, every time a new health issue comes up, I fall into despair.

I have recently been a witness to how fear can ruin a life. Warp it, scar it and leave deep wounds that may not heal. It has taught me how much I don't want that to be me. I have had a lot of fears that ended up being very real. Not listening can have huge consequences. The hardest part is figuring out which fears are real and which are false.

For a long time now, I have had problems reading. Funny, considering I used to be an editor. I read for a living, long time ago. Last week things got much worse. All of a sudden, I could not read at all. I had these sparkles in front of my eyes and could not see words, period. Fear stricken, again.

I decided to lie down. I was determined not to panic. I was not going to cry. I was just going to take care of myself. I made an appointment with the eye doctor and then had many sleepless nights. Yesterday I found out that the fibro is so bad, even my eyeballs are getting weak. They had an ocular migraine. Yes, such a thing exist! No pain, just short circuiting. Oh and I now need reading glasses.

So no brain tumour. No cataract. My eyes are actually quite healthy and my vision is very good. My eyes are just get tired very easily, just like the rest of me.

I took this photo as I walked home yesterday, so relieved. So proud that I did not have a meltdown. I kept it together and I am fine. Yes, I was scared and my brain went over many avenues of fear but I did not freak out.

Of course it is totally OK to process fear. I did that on my own. But I know now how dangerous and vicious the cycle of fear can become and I refused to let that happen. My muscles may be getting weaker but perhaps my spirit is finally becoming stronger.

The Happy Book: Wrap Up

This is the last week for The Happy Book! I can hardly believe it. A whole year has gone by with writing about happiness each Friday. I can't believe I did it, must be Jamie's amazing inspiration that kept me going. This week we will be going down Happy Book Memory Lane.

We began around my birthday last year. It was cold, snowy and painful. Hard for me to come up with happy things to say from the beginning but I did it!



One of the cool happy news items I shared during the year was the beginning of Hexed podcast that I record with Shannon (who does all the work, she is a podcasting Queen!). Every week Shannon and I talk about supernatural TV together and have a blast doing so.



Last spring I started to bond a little with my garden. My pumpkins never became Samhain big but my moon flowers survived and thrived thanks to the crazy hot and weirdly sunny summer we got. They were the least likely to do well and they showed me, that's for sure.



I spent a lot of the year alone but did get to the beach thanks to my amazing friends dragging me out of my house. I love being by the water, which I thought would happen all the time when we moved here. Yeah, right!



I got some cool signs from Nature that Halloween was going to be great this year, and as usual, She was right.



I got to spend time with my hubby and our friends and even saw a moose!



I even received signs around my hood that told me I am not alone. I still feel alone most of the time but signs do always help.

Wow, what on earth am I going to write about on Fridays from now on? This has become such a ritual for me! I hope you enjoyed the little walk down memory lane, inspired once again by Jamie. I think this practice has helped me keep sane another year in Nova Scotia.

The Happy Book journey has been awesome! Thank you all for your support and insight.

Wishcasting: What do you wish to transform?

This week for Wishcasting Jamie asks: 

What do you wish to transform?

I wish to transform my dark world into one of light. To go from cold, to warmth. We have been lucky this year so far when it comes to the winter and I wish to transform my experience of that particular season here from a bad one to a good one. Transform the idea of a cursed cold and dark place into one blessed by good fortune and health. Replace all the loss we have suffered since we moved here to joyful experiences and success. 

Midnight Madness! Best Buy and the Release of Warcraft's Cataclysm

Last night my husband and I bundled up and brought blankets with us and drove out to Best Buy in Dartmouth Crossing for the highly anticipated release of Warcraft's Cataclysm upgrade. It takes a lot for me to leave my warm house in winter but for this event? You got it!

I was surprised to see a lineup outside, my husband was very impressed (as you can tell by the photo) with the turnout. I guess I should not be surprised. There are millions and MILLIONS of people who play this game, chances are, you know someone who does.



That's me in my parka standing in the dark and cold, wondering if I was going to make it before the doors open. We got there at 11:30 pm which was long enough for my body to almost shut down in pain but I made it!



The doors opened just as the freezing rain started. We all waited patiently in line for our copy of the game.



I think I was one in two women who showed up! I was surprised to see how many young kids were out at midnight on a school night.



But we got it! We have our copy of the game as well as a free goblin mouse pad, LOL.

I have few hobbies here in Nova Scotia. One of course is food. The other, "The Game" AKA Warcraft. Because of my pain, I do not get to play often but when I do, well, let's just say escapism is a wonderful thing. The big deal about Cataclysm is that the world we have come to know has been changed forever. New character opportunities, new areas to explore, familiar areas destroyed... life there has been transformed.

My "real" life never seems to change here. I am stuck in a perpetual showing of Ground Hog Day. At least now I can let my adventurous spirit out and explore a cyber world even though my feet here rarely leave my house. One day my real world will change again but for now, I am going to have to wait for a spot on my server to open up and see what awaits me online.

The Happy Book

I know that we were going to going to focus on what would someone we look up to do this week but I am going to be a rebel and focus on a few major announcements that make me happy. First, my Wishcasting Journal by my sister Jamie has officially arrive!



Not only that, I have spent time actually playing with it! Each page gives me a prompt for me to work with and now I can combine mini dreamboards with my wishes and maybe one day when I am brave enough, add poetry too!

The next HUGE announcement is that my husband is finally home! He has been away for over a month and if you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know that it has been a stressful and challenging month without him gone. Yesterday I fell down the stairs and thought I was going to have to go to the hospital alone. Thankfully I did not break anything but I said aloud that it was time for him to come home now. Sure enough, he surprised me by coming home last night! I am so relieved and happy.

Lastly, a very cool thing happened. At Food Network Canada's web site I was nominated and deemed worthy of Hot Pepper status, making me only the second person to receive this honour. When I post there now I get the Hot Pepper graphic with my avatar indicated that I am a FNC enthusiast and a friend to the channel and the community there too. This tickles me pink!

I hope that there will be a monumental shift in my life towards better things right now. I hope that I can help keep the momentum going.

Happy Weekend Everyone!

Wishcasting: Where do you wish to go slow?

For Wishcasting this week, Jamie asks us where we wish to go slow. I wish for everything to slow down in a way, except for winter. I have not been feeling very well, I am drained dry. I especially wish to slow my body down and rest. In fact, after I post this I am probably going to bed.

I do not feel like I have been doing very much but just existing has gotten quite difficult. I am grateful for my couch and good TV and movies. For slow uncompetitive yoga in my basement where I just do what I can and let go of the rest. I have even become quite grateful for quiet and solitude.

I have a hard time not pushing my body to do more. I am impatient with its infinite vulnerabilities and its penchant for exhaustion and injury. So I wish to slow down so my body can rest and catch up.

Going back to bed...