Happy New Year...

What is it about the "happy holidays" that makes me feel like I am going to disappear? I find them so zapping, so exhausting, so sad. My husband and I went out on December 23rd to do our shopping for each other at the big mall in town. We split up and took different floors. In what seemed like moments, my bags were too heavy to carry. I could feel my fingers screaming, my shoulders ripping. I tried to get to the car to drop everything off and went to the wrong parking lot. I never go shopping so this mall is an enigma to me.

I spent the entire time walking around, muscles ripping and screaming. Here I sit on the mall bench, defeated. I gave up and waited for my husband who graciously took everything and put it in the car as I frantically bought stuff. Have I mentioned I hate stuff? I hate shopping even more.

I want to have fun but the hole in my heart is so big. Everything hurts here. Everything is so hard.

So for 2011 I want to re-appear. I want to become visible. Asking to be physically strong is improbable but I do ask for inner fortitude to deal with life here with a bit of a smile and maybe some humour. Not dark sarcastic humour, I am way too good at that. No, find an innocence and joy about life again. Most of all, I want to learn how to accept all the things I can not change (they seem to be infinite) and put my energy into things that I can change like finally painting my crafts room and maybe my kitchen. Well, not me but finding painters who aren't going to gouge me.

I would like to have big positive changes in 2011. I need to let go of regret. I need to find the future me.