My long-time blogging friend Erin recently asked me a question that I realized many of you may want to ask me, "Why can't you move?"
See how my hydrangea bush is almost completely covered in snow? I took that photograph last night. Notice how the giant snowbanks look like tsunamis? What an eerie image.
Think of that plant as me.
Now, I can not discuss everything openly. The major reason for me being here is my husband's job which is not something I can really get into. Where I live depends on his job. Yes, it is maddening. They are the distant tsunami that will one day release the hydrangea and take it somewhere else, hopefully far, far away but for now. It is stuck.
My husband and I have been through everything you can imagine together. I will not leave his side which is really the only true escape from here and that is not on the table. I am ruthlessly faithful and loyal and we are going to go through this together no matter what. If he can not leave, I will not leave. Trust me, he wants to leave. He REALLY wants to leave. And we will. One day. Together.
I know it may be frustrating for my long-time readers. I went from being a forest fairy in the woods, capturing the magnificence of Nature with my camera to becoming a house-bound hostile recluse. Nobody wants things to change more than I do but it is clear that the Universe wants me to be here. I am doing my best focusing on food and photography, finding joy in my kitchen instead of the forest. I am following the energy the Universe is sending me. It is not the same as it used to be but then change can be brutal.
I have a feeling that the changes in me are going to be long-term. I may never again be Sacred Suzie, even when I go back to BC. My innocent is shattered. My inner world has changed. I am trying to make peace with that fact but it is hard. I will stay open to possibilities but it is clear that there are some things in life I have very little power over. If I did, all my wishes and dreamboards for going back home would have manifested. Instead, I bought a cookbook holder as a way of telling the Universe I wanted more cookbooks in my life. All of a sudden publishers are sending me their publications and then I won $500 worth of cookbooks!
I am going where the energy is. For now, it is food. And that is OK! I LOVE food. Food is my passion right now. My muse. Who am I to criticize that fact? Yes, I miss the arbutus trees with all my heart. Every night I hope to dream of the Garry oaks of Vancouver Island. Instead, I dream of hang out with foodie friend Jamie Oliver. Nothing lame about that!
Many of my BC friends have left and now many of my Nova Scotia friends are leaving too. Change seems to be happening to everyone but us. It is so frustrating. But as the Borg say, sometimes, resistance is truly futile. I have no energy to do anything but maybe bake a loaf of bread today. That is my magick now. And how awesome is that?
4 comments:
Everybody's life changes in ways they never foresee. We become people we never thought we would. No one stays the same forever. Your life is different now than it was in BC, but not all of the change is bad. I remember from your BC posts that you were always broke. Money was a big struggle then. Now it's not. And you own a nice house which is something you wanted to do. And now you're a great Foodie too!
Really, really awesome!
Remain soft in allowing things to unfold for you. The more you push against something the harder you become. Remember that all in all change is GOOD. It reminds us that we are organic and growing, that we are made to flow. The trees will be there when and if it is time for you to return to them. They do not resist the change, they know all is as it should be and that is really really awesome.
I continue to marvel at how you are growing as a photographer of your wonderful food creations! Marvel at your own awesomeness for there is no one else who is doing it like you!!!
Dawn
So true Debra! And you're right, in BC I was broke for most of the time. I hope that when we go back we will have both our finances OK and be happy. That would be nice. It's true! I am a foodie now, officially. I will take that with me for sure.
Dawn, I have learned trying to change this is just too bloody exhausting and for the most part, doesn't work. There are some things you have to accept, for now. Thank you so much! Your comment about my photography means so much, I do feel that I have grown in a big way when it comes to my photography which means the world to me. Thank you!
Really, really awesome. Being able to cook well and bake and bring people together at the table is a really magical thing to me. I've learned alot from you.
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