Bloody Freezing-Rain Hell

We are getting yet ANOTHER Nor'Easter today, this time is brings the evil gift of freezing rain. I never thought I would miss the 24 years I lived in the deep freeze of Ontario but these treacherous life-threatening storms have made that happen. At least when it is crazy cold it is safe to be on the roads. Nova Scotia is the province of black ice.

The world is turning into an ice rink as I type this. I hate that my husband has to travel to work in this weather. I am on pins and needles until he comes home. This chronic stress and worry that the weather here might kill someone I care about is downright cruel.

I know that some people live with chronic optimism but as someone who survived the cruel impact of this type of weather three years ago in a head-on collision, I can not think positive thoughts until I see my husband's face when he comes home, miserable from the long commute to town and back.

Considering in just a couple of weeks the lone pink hyacinth in my mini garden will be climbing out of the soil in front of my laundry room window out west... I just do not understand why people put up with this weather.

Yeah, so today, I'm in a crappy mood. I have been trying to hold back my homesickness a little but days like this make it impossible. I wanted to ignore the weather but I had to scrape the snow and ice off the walkway with my tender wounded shoulders before the temperatures fell once again, turning everything to ice. Bloody freezing-rain hell...

A Thermal Life is Still a Cold One in Nova Scotia

I took this photo last week when it was a balmy -5C, unlike today where it is currently -13C and feels like -21C. Even in my hut booties with all the heaters on, I am FREEZING!

Thank you all so much for the amazing birthday wishes and comments on my life makeover! Your encouragements means the world to me especially now. It was cold on my birthday but for once the deep freeze held off a couple of days. We are now getting hit with it and getting hit hard.

I am going to try and remember that I want to change the energy in my life and not complain but these winters, they truly try and break you. My husband and I have been in energy-save mode, any little extra thing feels overwhelming and oppressive.

I must keep moving or I will freeze into place. Must keep the body active. I wear thermal socks, pants, turtlenecks, sweaters, hut booties... I use my electric blanket, extra heaters, warm humidifier... Still, life is just barely bearable. On days like this, I wonder if I will ever be warm again?

Keep moving Suzie... keep moving...

Birthday Makeover

Yes, I am shameless when it comes to my birthday. It's the one day a year I really love to toot my own horn but I am going to try and do that more often. Sing my praises instead of my sorrows.

Over the next year I have decided to do a complete makeover. First, for my birthday, my hair. On the left you see the "before" photo. Dark, dramatic, a tad spooky... all things I love but it was getting tired and dragging me down.

On the right, the punk ass me. Trouble maker, lighter but still edgy, embracing my inner foodie rockstar.

It sounds lame, I am sure, but when watching the show Nikita there was a woman who said, "The first step to feeling better is looking better." Yeah, I did not want to believe it. It pissed me off. Then it stuck with me, damn it. Then, I thought, what the hell? Let's give it a shot.

Sure enough, man, I feel lighter with less hair. Seriously, even though my neck is colder, LOL. I do love having short hair but I can't get too short with this freezing climate. This was perfect and I love the layers. I think I may even be successful at styling it myself. I always take a photo right after I leave the hair dresser's so I have a visual on how it is supposed to look. Think I am doing OK.

I do not want to stop with just my hair. I need a spirit makeover, a personality makeover... I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of wishing things were different. It is still all true but I have no more energy for it. I can not embrace the stagnant energy in my life so I will focus on making the small changes that are within my power. So, I begin with my hair.

What next? We'll just have to see!

Buying a Bed: Phase III

Since we got such a good deal on our mattress, we were able to end up buying the bedroom set we wanted at The Brick. We were so excited about it but there was a bit of a damper. After we paid for the set the sales woman asked us about the mattress we ended up buying. We when told her about it she said, "I'll see you in ten years when you need to replace it."

How bitchy! She had told us that the mattress she wanted to sell us would last longer so that was quite a dig. Totally got me all upset and shocked, filling me with fear and doubt and ruining the excitement of making this major purchase. She just made a huge commission from us and then had the audacity to ridicule our choice of mattress, pissed off she didn't make a commission from that too. Don't worry, I probably will complain. OK, breathe Suzie.... Next, onto the delivery phase!



We were asked to protect our floors and the only thing we could think of doing was putting down old towels. I had planned in my head exactly where I wanted everything to go and the delivery guys were very friendly and helpful and did exactly as I said. I stayed out of the room for the most part until they were gone. Then I went into the bedroom.



First, wow, I love this set! Second, OMG, so cramped! The dresser had next to zero room top open up the drawers and I felt completely claustrophobic as a result. The feng shui was not good! Best laid plans...



My poor husband had to take all those towels, put them under all the furniture and move everything around again. It is not a huge bedroom so our choices were very limited.



We ended up putting the bed underneath the window which used to be a decorating faux pas but I actually really like it. Now there is room all around the bed, more than enough to open the dresser. Is it just me, or is that mattress ridiculously high? When I sit on the bed, my feet don't touch the ground. Is that normal? Seriously, is it? I need your advice!



What I like most is now we are sleeping more north to south than east to west which is supposed to be the more natural way to sleep. Yes, we need to get new linen for the bed and because it is cold I have four blankets on the bed to keep us warm. It is going to take a year to pay off this major purchase but now our bedroom looks like a real master bedroom which will help us sell the house down the road and also make us feel like rockstars.

We are still adjusting to the mattress and the bed, especially now that we feel like we are sleeping in the sky. It does not help that it has been so cold that we are in discomfort as we sleep. We are still getting use to all the changes.

It is funny, I got so excited because it felt like we were moving. Like the space was new to us and we were re-inventing our lives which I love so much. Yet, we are still here. Oh well, baby steps to moving I suppose.

My one complaint about the furniture set is that one of the night tables is missing a piece on the bottom so it wobbles like crazy. I called and they said they will put the piece in the mail which has yet to show up but that's pretty typical, mail can be slow here.

Once we have had time to adjust and for that piece to show up, I will give a final conclusion to the bed shopping experience. One thing I can say now is do not settle. Yes, it took years before we could find a bed without a footboard that we liked but we did it and I LOVE our set. I do not enjoy spending this much money but if I am going to, I had better be in love with what I am buying.

Breaking Swords

I love the Pagan Tarot Deck's interpretation of the 10 of Swords. Usually, this card is brutal. A person collapse on the ground with all ten swords sticking out of their back. Here, you see this female witch breaking the swords apart with her feet:

"Determined to spend no more sleepless nights, our witch takes on her problems head on... You, too, have control over your life... Make up your mind to be strong and in control of your life and your magick."

So inspired, so liberating, I want to believe this is true for me. In the cold heart of winter when life is so tough, it's hard not to give up and hibernate until spring. I have done it before. Somehow, I will find the strength to keep moving.

I walked off my path a long time ago, have been lost so long. This desert period is one of the longest I have had to endure. But endure it I will. Just don't ask me to like it or be happy about it.

What I do like most about drawing the 10 of Swords cards is it signifies the end of a painful cycle. A new life is about to begin. I don't know what that means in the context of my life but I do love change and the idea of a new cycle feels good to me.

Hopefully those swords are made of glass so I can break them with my old hiking boots and delicate feet.

The crushing of my brain

I took this photograph as my husband was cleaning off the car. I couldn't help but feel this image captured how I have been feeling.

Buried.

Not only that, the temperatures have been yo-yoing here in Nova Scotia. Yesterday and today we have been in the deep freeze.



It is hard for me to believe that it is supposed to rain tomorrow and rain a lot.

When you are sensitive and have fibromyalgia, this change in temperature (although highly encouraged when it is going up) is painful. I have been wracked with migraines lately, my skull being crushed by the barometric pressure. What most people do not feel, flattens me.

Last night my house consistently creaked and groaned from the cold. I felt like it was expressing sympathy pains. The cold is setting up residence in my hips these days, making walking almost impossible.

After it warms up tomorrow, the temperature will fall again. My poor brain will have to endure more yo-yoing but maybe I will be able to walk tomorrow? Let my hips thaw, the pain ebb, for just a day.

I will take what I can get.

Buying a Bed: Phase II

WHICH COMES FIRST: THE MATTRESS OR THE BEDROOM SET?

Spending money is never easy for me. I hate it. It gives me hives. Spending a lot of money? Yup, it can bring me to tears.

For a couple of years now we have tried to figure out how to give our sad student-looking bedroom a makeover and finally buy not only a bed but a bedroom set so that our house will be sellable one day when we finally move back home.

If you haven't bought a mattress before, it can be quite shocking. They are almost as expensive as bedroom sets. They can be more, in fact. We were looking at them at The Brick and they were half off and $1200. I felt sick. I knew we could not afford to also get the only bedroom set I have liked in the years we have been looking because mattresses were ridiculously expensive. So, what did we do?

We had driven by Bedroom Superstore on our way to Leon's in Dartmouth one night and it called to me. I don't know why exactly, it's just a typical warehouse store. The next day we were trying to find the store Bedroom Depot (which we did not know at the time had gone out of business) and I was convinced it was the same store and asked my husband to stop. He knew I was getting everything mixed up but he is also wise enough to listen to my instincts, even when they don't make sense.



It was well after Boxing Day but they still had their Christmas tree up. We wanted to go late after all the "big sales" were over, waiting for the really good deals when people just stopped shopping and stores are anxious to get rid of overstock. We have had some great successes doing this but I did not allow my hopes to be too high.

We went around the store, lying on beds. The same thing always happens. We need a VERY firm mattress but then my shoulders feel crushed. Then we found this mattress:



A Dreameasy Merlot Mattress which is very firm but has memory foam on the top for cushioning. After trying so many beds, we lay on this one and it just felt right, unlike all the others.



Yes, the price wanted to make me cry but it was 30% off. Still, out of our reach. One of the employees came over and we talked about it and he gave us a deal we just could not say no too and he even threw in free delivery! I could not believe it, we were way under budget and this was the best mattress we had found.



Because of my husband's allergies we also invested in a mattress cover and finally had our bed! So, in this scenario, the mattress came first. They say it takes 15 days to adjust to a new bed but I was fine right away. In fact my shoulders are finally healing a little and I injured them last summer. I think because of the hardness of our futon I was re-injuring them every night as I slept. Yes, I am the Princess and the Pea damn it. Even my hands are feeling a little better in the morning, thanks to the mattress.

My husband has had a harder time adjusting to it because he likes a really hard mattress and the memory foam is so comforting which he is not used to. I do hope that we both end up being OK with it. It had been over a week and so far, so good. Knock on wood!

I got a ton of advice on Facebook from friends and all of them said, focus on the mattress first. When you live with a sleeping disorder like fibromyalgia, you really do need a good mattress and health comes before beauty in my world.

But that is not the end of the buying a bed story! There will be more, very soon.

January 12, 2011 Nor'easter Snowstorm in Nova Scotia

The night before the huge storm, I took this photograph in a Walmart parking lot. The sun was setting and there was this infinite long and stormy overhang hovering above the horizon. Perhaps it was just night descending but I got this killer migraine and knew the weather forecast was right. The barometric pressure was changing and there was a storm on the way. Despite the pain and discomfort, I knew our cupboards were empty and the last thing I wanted to do during a snowstorm was go get food.



Here is a silly video I took of my first look as the storm found us the next day. I had not looked outside yet, this was my first peek. Note the frustration in my voice. At least there is also a touch of humour. What else can you do?



This poor person was trying to keep up with the storm, shovelling her driveway. We didn't see the point since the snow was going to continue until the next morning. I made dinner early, a slow-cooked stew along with lentil soup and herbed buttermilk biscuits. I wanted the food to be ready early in case we lost power so I started at 3 pm which felt weird. We sat down to an early dinner, I put my fork into the lush now-soft beef and our power went out. Of course! At least dinner was ready, LOL.

I stood up to light some candles and the power came back on!!! And stayed on throughout the night, thank goodness.



This is what we woke up to this morning. As you can see, our driveway and walk are completely clear! As I was cooking dinner last night I saw that our local snow angel had showed up. I donned my husband's giant rain boots and a jacket and went out with cookies. The snowblower was so loud I had to scream "Thank you!" to the snow angel and hold up the bag of cookies. He just shook his head and then smiled, continuing to remove the snow.

I came inside and said to my husband in a bewildered voice, "Snow angels don't eat cookies???"

This is the first time I was able to spot him and say thank you, then run inside out of the snow. Before bed, we heard him again, touching up our driveway. Unbelievably generous and thoughtful, I am so grateful.



It was almost three years ago that we got the exact same snowstorm that caused our accident. It came with no warning in the forecast while we were grocery shopping, followed by an ice storm. The weather here can be so dangerous and brutal. Nature is wild and wicked whereas many people are so thoughtful and kind. Nova Scotia is a tough place to live and I am so grateful that this time when such a brutal storm visited us we had notice and could stay inside at home with lots of food in safety.

Buying a Bed: Phase I

My husband bought our futon right before we met. We have had it over 15 years and finally decided to exile it to the family room and turn it into a couch and get a REAL bed. This has been quite an odyssey and was extremely stressful. I hope my three part story helps others get through this tough process.

We love our futon and did not want to get rid of it. We had used it briefly as a couch before and how wonderful it was to be able to lie down completely and watch TV. We think of that short time of TV-watching bliss quite nostalgically. Now we were going to make that happen in our rec room for good!



Believe it or not, my husband carried this monster of a mattress home on his back when he bought it all those years ago. Here is it covered by an over-sized mattress cover, we could never remember how big our bed was. Down the stairs it goes.



No, our family room does not normally look like this, LOL. Here my husband is cleaning up behind the couch, moving things around like puzzle pieces. Our original idea for placement ended up being a complete and utter mistake which threw me right off. I had no idea how we were going to make this work. Thankfully my husband is a fantastic problem solver.



It seems simple but trust me, this took some time to come up with. Now I have enough space to do Wii (if my shoulders ever heal) and yoga yet we can still lay down in front of the TV and veg. It was interesting to experience just how resistant I was to change. I am good with big changes like packing my life up and leaving but when it comes to the house and my rituals, um, no. Not good at all.

Where I sit on our regular TV watching couch is one of the few spaces of comfort for me and I needed it to stay the same. Thankfully my husband is very thoughtful of my happiness and instead of completely re-arranging the room, he put the couch in there in a way that made us both happy.

Unfortunately, this was the easiest part of the bed buying experience. I thought I was prepared for the financial investment in buying a bed but it turns out, I wasn't. Thankfully my stubbornness and pickiness were once again rewarded but that my friends, is another story. More to come!

Escaping to a blue world

Recently my husband and I went to see the new Tron movie in 3D at IMAX. I could not get over how excited I was to hear they were making a new one and just had to see it on the massive screen. When I was a kid, the original Tron movie transfixed me. Its sense of place, its artificial yet real world, grabbed me. I was scared and fascinated and excited, moved to the edge of my seat. Tron took me somewhere and blew my mind.

To go again as an adult with even better special effects was total bliss for me. I agree with my sister Shannon's review, the only thing missing was more Bruce Boxleitner. I love that guy! Maybe it wasn't the deepest movie in the whole world but there was substance in this blue world. Watching the games with that amazing sound system perfecting this 3D world, was like getting to eat a chocolate cake for two hours. I ate all the visuals, all the sound effects up and left reality for a while. The perfect escape, how I have needed that.

A little taste of my childhood did not disappoint. For me, Tron: Legacy was a total treat.

Following ghosts

Right beside the graveyard of the Chronicle Herald were these two stickers on the chain link fence encompassing the lot. My husband discovered them, I am kind of oblivious to details like this which is such a shame because I love these ghost stickers. I would have hated to miss them. It made me think that someone feels the same way about this eyesore. And that Halifax is a pretty paranormal city. There is a big part of me that wishes I lived there. I have never been a city person but living out in a horrendous burbs without parks or sidewalks, I am starting to reconsider.


Driving home from downtown

I have to come to terms with the fact that my pagan path might be over. I have no connection to nature anymore. I of course still care for it with every breathe of my body but it does not speak back to me. I feel like she has broken up with me and nothing I say or do makes a difference. If this is truly the case, then it makes me reconsider a lot. I always thought that when I got back to BC I would live in the mountains or by the ocean again. Now I am beginning to think that the city is where I need to be.

If I have learned one thing since moving to Nova Scotia, I no longer want to feel isolated. I also need my freedom of movement back. I want to be able to get out and do stuff. As much as I love being home in my fantastic kitchen, I also need to quite frankly, get a life. Nova Scotia is the worst place I have ever lived for a non-driver and if you are disabled? You are screwed.

Of course I have no idea how we could ever afford to live in a city but I am going to stay open to that possibility. It is not as if it is going to happen anytime soon but I am keeping all my options open.

My pagan path may have come to an end but I will follow my instincts and inner voice. Perhaps they will help me reconnect with nature when I get back home but for now, I will follow the ghosts and let go of the trees.

The graveyard that is downtown Halifax

Last year when we went to the Wooden Monkey for dinner, this was our view. The graveyard where the Chronicle Herald building used to be. This is only a fraction of the emptiness that is in the heart of downtown Halifax. Everyone is fighting over what should be done with it and as they fight, it remains a horrid eyesore for everyone in the city. They want to turn it into some kind of convention centre which would be great but who knows when decisions will finally be made and change will come.

People keep talking about the changes that are going to happen in downtown Halifax. That Barrington Street, the main drag of the downtown core, will awaken from its ghost town status and actually have stores in the storefront instead of paper plastered over the glass. That the labyrinth of concrete by the casino going in to the downtown core will be replaced by a boulevard covered with trees.



It is all talk. There is no action here. Or if there is, it is the action of stoned tortoises on vacation. No wonder they do not want to knock anything down. The bureaucratic red tape of indecision will ensure nothing is built in its place for eons.

Here you see the front of the old National Film Board of Canada building in downtown Halifax. When I took this photo, the front face of the building was all there was left. There had been a fire and the rest of the building was gone. Now a facade of what it had once been supported by beams, like a walker for a still-standing corpse. In any other city, this would have been knocked down and something new and potentially exciting would have been put up in its place. Halifax is obsessed with skeletons.

I do hope this place will embrace change, become vital. There is so much potential here, it is astounding to me that no one takes advantage of it. Maybe change will come to Halifax and give CPR to the core but I am not holding my breath.

Happy New Year...

What is it about the "happy holidays" that makes me feel like I am going to disappear? I find them so zapping, so exhausting, so sad. My husband and I went out on December 23rd to do our shopping for each other at the big mall in town. We split up and took different floors. In what seemed like moments, my bags were too heavy to carry. I could feel my fingers screaming, my shoulders ripping. I tried to get to the car to drop everything off and went to the wrong parking lot. I never go shopping so this mall is an enigma to me.

I spent the entire time walking around, muscles ripping and screaming. Here I sit on the mall bench, defeated. I gave up and waited for my husband who graciously took everything and put it in the car as I frantically bought stuff. Have I mentioned I hate stuff? I hate shopping even more.

I want to have fun but the hole in my heart is so big. Everything hurts here. Everything is so hard.

So for 2011 I want to re-appear. I want to become visible. Asking to be physically strong is improbable but I do ask for inner fortitude to deal with life here with a bit of a smile and maybe some humour. Not dark sarcastic humour, I am way too good at that. No, find an innocence and joy about life again. Most of all, I want to learn how to accept all the things I can not change (they seem to be infinite) and put my energy into things that I can change like finally painting my crafts room and maybe my kitchen. Well, not me but finding painters who aren't going to gouge me.

I would like to have big positive changes in 2011. I need to let go of regret. I need to find the future me.