Howling wind, rain, fog and snow... Just another storm in Nova Scotia

Last night we had one hell of a howling storm! First it brought loads of rain. Then, when I got up in the middle of the night I could barely see out of my window, the air was filled with frozen fog. Then everything must have turned to snow and the wind continues to howl. The howling almost made me feel like I was on Vancouver Island again. It gets the wildest windstorms around!

The roads must be covered with ice and snow. This is still the most treacherous place I have ever lived. I can not wait to say good-bye to February but I know that March can be just as bad. I hope nature proves me wrong.

Good news is, my husband fixed my mixer Rebel! Thank you all so much for your wishes. I hope now that my bad luck has been cleared away for good. Trying to change the energy one wish at a time and your wishes help. Thank you so much!

So pretty, so cruel

I can not remember the last time I looked out one of my windows and wanted to take a photograph. Yesterday I saw from my kitchen that our maple tree's shadow lay perfectly across the front of our shed and thought it was the coolest image. I went to look at it from the bedroom window and saw that I could also get the actual maple tree in the image which created a cool layering effect. The cute little kitty paw prints were an additional sweet touch.

Don't ask me to go out there though. I was desperate for milk and eggs so I walked to the corner store in the -20C windchill and thought I was going to die. February truly seems to be the cruellest month here. It makes January look like a wuss. Thankfully the milk and eggs will keep me going inside for a while. I am not going anywhere.

Hubby came home yesterday all sick and in terrible shape. When he feels better he will look at Rebel and see if he can put her back together. For now I will be making lots of tea and helping him come back together.

Winter... you life sucker.

Wishcasting: What do you wish for your home?

I wish to stop feeling like everything in my house is on the verge of breaking! I wish for my home to be blessed, not cursed.

In the last year my blender, breadmaker and toaster croaked and last night the neck pin of my Kitchenaid mixer fell out and no matter what I do, I can not get it back in. I was on the phone for hours last night with tech support. Hopefully when my husband comes home he can fix it, if not, I don't know what I am going to do.


Back when Rebel was all new! I need her to heal!

I need my home to be my sanctuary where things are OK.

Going to go hibernate now and try not to cry. Was up at 5 am this morning obsessing about my mixer named Rebel. Maybe she is rebelling against me? I need to make friends with her ASAP.

Concert recovery and a dearth of spoons

As much as I loved going to the Great Big Sea concert, I am now in my third day of recovery. For those of you who do not know the spoon theory for those with fibromyalgia, I highly recommend reading this article.

I live a life with only so many spoons of energy. Doing something like this, takes a lot of them. Yesterday I could barely get off the couch and a migraine attacked me for most of the day. Normally a concert might not take so many spoons from my energy bank but add the crushing cold, the long travelling time to get downtown...

The longer I live on the east coast, the less I seem to be able to do, to physically handle. I tried jewellery making for the first time in forever yesterday and it made me sick to my stomach. The only thing I could handle doing was making a simple tomato soup.

So I will follow the microscopic breadcrumb trail of energy. It always seems to lead to either my bed or my kitchen.

I know many of you are seeing signs of spring but not here. Still under feet of snow, trapped by the oppressive cold, I remain housebound and imprisoned. If I leave, the price is very high. We usually do not see signs of spring here until late April. Six months I am winter's prisoner.

One day I will escape. For now, I will search for spoons.

Great Big Sea at Celebration Square/the Grand Parade

Our friends Gareth and Emily invited us to go to see a Great Big Sea concert in downtown Halifax last night. The band was celebrating the Canada Games outside in the cold for free! Bands had been performing all week which was clear by the thick cold mud underneath our feet that has destroyed the turf of the square.



It is hard to say to no to such a fantastic opportunity with great friends although it was damn cold and snowy! I had to keep moving constantly to stay warm and not seize up from the cold. The night opened with Jeremy Fisher who was great but a little too mellow to jump up and down to! Sorry Jeremy, none of my photos of you turned out but it was a great performance and BTW, you forgot to mention Manitoba when you went through the provinces but you were so sweet, I am sure Manitoba will forgive you.



It felt like forever for Great Big Sea to come on stage. As we were waiting the crowd was so thick there were a few moments I could not move and I started to panic. I do not handle crowds well and not being able to move almost got me to hyperventilate but my husband calmed me down and things opened up again. Still, a little freaky!

Thankfully when the band came on stage people settled on where they were and stopped pressing forward. I started to dance and try to waken up my feet. Dancing is easy at a Great Big Sea concert, their music was made for jumping up and down. So much energy, so much fun, you can not help but love this fantastic Maritime band.



Being from Newfoundland, they performed on a cold winter's night with tons of energy and passion without toques or parkas! I remember seeing them for the first time in Ottawa over ten years ago, absolutely impressed with their performance. How amazing to see they are still going strong and just released their tenth album!

I lasted for about 45 minutes but pain took over and it was time to leave which was not easy! Walking over slippery freezing mud past thousands of enthusiastic fans, we were all amazed at how wonderfully polite people were as we walked against the thick crushing crowd.



Everywhere you could see people were wearing these flashing sunglasses. Here you see a pair that had fallen into the mud but spontaneously started to blink for the entire performance. We finally got past most of the people and out of the square, able to finally breathe only to see even more people hanging out along the streets downtown, just listening to one of their favourite Maritime bands.

On the way to the car we tried to use clean snow to rub off the thick mud covering our winter boots and jeans. We said goodnight to our friends and came home frozen. I could no longer feel my feet but my back screamed for pain killers.

Still, I kept singing to myself on the way home, "When I'm up and I can't get down..."

When the lights go out in February

It is hard for me when people tell me to think positively. I did that last week and then a bit of a painful disaster happened. Typical.

Sometimes you just have to accept that things suck right now. You focus on the things that don't suck and hope that you make it through this hellish cycle alive and sane.

I know people want me to be happy but if I said I was, I would be a liar. I am miserable and have nothing positive to say, hence, no blog posts. I do not want to obsess over the negative but I am not going to try and radiate false sunshine while life is pretty impossible.

You know how I have a hard time getting a big grocery shop in February because of our accident? We finally went and spend a small fortune on food yesterday. We had next to nothing to eat because getting out of the house has been downright impossible, with the crazy Arctic winds literally knocking me back inside my house. We came home, put food away and the power went out. For hours... The entire time I just seethed. So typical!

Thankfully it was only out for four hours so the food will be fine but our house was cold and sad. I will not accept that! My house is the only sanctuary we have! I hope we never lose power again.

So I continue to hibernate. Now I have enough food to last us at least two weeks. There is very little reason to step outside.

February in Nova Scotia is the worst! Absolutely the worst month of the year. I hate it and can't wait for it to be over. Now excuse me, I have chocolate cookies to bake...

Winter Escape

This mount of snow on our propane tanks is actually a lot smaller than when it was quite literally at its height. Funny how this gentle winter has turned ferocious. I need a serious talk with Shubenacadie Sam and ask him if he still stands behind his prediction of an early spring.

I do hope he is right. We have mountains of snow here and because it is finally sunny, you know we are also in the deep freeze. It is -13C here and with the wind feels like -21C. I am not going anywhere!

I may be weird but on sunny days all I want to do is clean. I see all the spots I have missed and want to make my house sparkle in the rare sunlight. But, I do not have energy to do that. I have also been banned from picking up a shovel ever again after digging out our barricade of snow which has left me with terrible pain and additional exhaustion.

Fine! As far as I am concerned, I am on vacation from reality. Bring on the TV shows, movies and popcorn. Nobody but me is looking at my baseboards anyway.

Saying good-bye to trauma

Three years ago we had our head-on collision. Right before our accident, our car finally showed up on a moving truck from BC. The first time we went on the highway with it I said to my husband, "I finally feel a little better now. In this car, I feel comfortable. Something that is familiar. A piece of home."

Then, it was gone. So were my hopes and dreams of our life here. I tried. For a year, I pretended like I could make do here. I even started a blog to making my house feel like a home. But it wasn't the truth. There is no energy in lies. Our beginning was also our ending. Since then we have been suspended in limbo.

In magick, the number three is very powerful. It symbolizes the end of a cycle. I couldn't ask for more. I do not want anymore reminders. I don't want to think about the bruised ribs, chest, my black knees, my husband being on a stretcher. I want it done. I need to say good-bye to this trauma.

One way I have tried to do so is transform the energy of this day. I just put up a contest on my foodie site  and amazingly, my prize of $500 worth of cookbooks showed up today. Perhaps the energy is already transforming?

I know I have been miserable. I am filled with anger all the time. I am done feeling like a victim. A new cycle is starting and hopefully a new and happier life for me and my husband.

May the Universe take away the pain of this horrible day and wipe the slate clean. I don't want it anymore.

Blessed be.

Bring on the sweet stuff...

Spending an entire day at the hospital gives you a lot of time to think. All I want to do is not think. I was there supporting someone going through some medical stuff. It felt weird not being the patient. I read cookbooks, listened to my iPad and waited in pain. Sitting is the worst.



As I sat there with not much to look at, I was grateful. Grateful that this procedure was nothing serious. Grateful that it has been two years since I myself have had to have surgery. Grateful that the woman crying in the changing stall was not my mom but still, so very very sad and my heart went out to the family.

Medical stuff is the worst, whether it happens to me or someone I care about. It turns everything upside down. But for us, it is over, for now. At least I hope so.

We had freezing rain this morning and now another Nor'Eastern snowstorm is attacking us. The temperature will hover at freezing, making life here treacherous as usual. Once my husband gets home safe and sound, I will be able to breathe again.

I just want to feel safe people. I want to feel like everything is OK and that leaving the house is not equated with potentially injury and/or disaster.

I will hide in my kitchen and make sticky toffee pudding for the first time. I will leave behind that hospital smell, cleaner with a large dash of fear.

Bring on the sweet stuff...

Why I can't I move...???

My long-time blogging friend Erin recently asked me a question that I realized many of you may want to ask me, "Why can't you move?"

See how my hydrangea bush is almost completely covered in snow? I took that photograph last night. Notice how the giant snowbanks look like tsunamis? What an eerie image.

Think of that plant as me.

Now, I can not discuss everything openly. The major reason for me being here is my husband's job which is not something I can really get into. Where I live depends on his job. Yes, it is maddening. They are the distant tsunami that will one day release the hydrangea and take it somewhere else, hopefully far, far away but for now. It is stuck.

My husband and I have been through everything you can imagine together. I will not leave his side which is really the only true escape from here and that is not on the table. I am ruthlessly faithful and loyal and we are going to go through this together no matter what. If he can not leave, I will not leave. Trust me, he wants to leave. He REALLY wants to leave. And we will. One day. Together.



I know it may be frustrating for my long-time readers. I went from being a forest fairy in the woods, capturing the magnificence of Nature with my camera to becoming a house-bound hostile recluse. Nobody wants things to change more than I do but it is clear that the Universe wants me to be here. I am doing my best focusing on food and photography, finding joy in my kitchen instead of the forest. I am following the energy the Universe is sending me. It is not the same as it used to be but then change can be brutal.

I have a feeling that the changes in me are going to be long-term. I may never again be Sacred Suzie, even when I go back to BC. My innocent is shattered. My inner world has changed. I am trying to make peace with that fact but it is hard. I will stay open to possibilities but it is clear that there are some things in life I have very little power over. If I did, all my wishes and dreamboards for going back home would have manifested. Instead, I bought a cookbook holder as a way of telling the Universe I wanted more cookbooks in my life. All of a sudden publishers are sending me their publications and then I won $500 worth of cookbooks!

I am going where the energy is. For now, it is food. And that is OK! I LOVE food. Food is my passion right now. My muse. Who am I to criticize that fact? Yes, I miss the arbutus trees with all my heart. Every night I hope to dream of the Garry oaks of Vancouver Island. Instead, I dream of hang out with foodie friend Jamie Oliver. Nothing lame about that!

Many of my BC friends have left and now many of my Nova Scotia friends are leaving too. Change seems to be happening to everyone but us. It is so frustrating. But as the Borg say, sometimes, resistance is truly futile. I have no energy to do anything but maybe bake a loaf of bread today. That is my magick now. And how awesome is that?

Keep moving, stay alive

When I lived on Eagle Mountain at 1400 feet in BC, this was my backyard. I love hiking but just getting into Ridge Park was a huge effort. You have to cut through a very hilly golf course to get inside. By the time I made it in, so often I would want to turn around and go home, exhausted. But then I saw the light cut through the trees. I would hear the squirrels chatter in almost a weird whistling sound. I would have to go explore. In order to find the strength to continue, I would channel the energy and spirit of the tortoise, telling myself to just move slowly and gradually. Somehow I would find the strength. And I always did.

This world is long behind me now. Today, I have no where I want to go outside. When you have fibromyalgia you must exercise on a regular basis. It is critical to do enough that it tires you out so you sleep but not too strenuous that you get hurt. This type of hiking was perfect for me. Here, stuck in my house, I have been lost and stagnant.



I bought the Wii to help me get my body moving and in some ways it has helped and in others, it really hasn't. Most games are too short and require too little movement for it to be a workout in anyway. As a result, I got creative.

One thing I do love to do that tires me out but in a fun way is dance. I put on the Free Run selection for 20 minutes, put the Wii remote in my pocket and turn on my iPod and just dance. The Wii keeps track of my movement in a way and I am given a countdown so it does not feel endless. I don't really care about the number of meters I have moved, I just want to get moving.



I should not be surprised that my sister Jamie bought me the game Just Dance for my birthday. Jamie, Shannon and I all grew up studying dance and in fact, Shannon and I had Jamie has a teacher a lot of the time. Since hiking is all but a dream to me now, Jamie has helped bring another dimension of dance into my life.

Here you see a funky chic all decked out to dance to the song "Groove is in the Heart". I remember clubbing to that song and gotta tell you, dancing to this song is still unbelievably fun. Not only that, I have come to realize that songs I thought were lame like "Can't Touch This" are unbelievable fun to dance to. It is probably best for you to have some dance experience when you do this game but seriously? I have no interest in the score. I just love having fun and dancing my heart out. The moves are challenging but the routines are fun to learn. Of course I have to be careful. My shoulders are still healing and my feet are very sensitive. I can have fun but not too much fun, for risk of hurting myself.

With two feet of snow and no room to walk on the roads thanks to mammoth snowbanks and zero sidewalks, I am officially housebound but at least I can shake my booty.

Is it better than walking in the woods? No, it never will be. Won't come close but it does provide a mental and physical escape from my situation. When I am dancing, I get to have fun and when I listen to heavier music, express my frustration. So far my favourite song to dance my anger out to is one by Pink:

"I'm not dead just yet...

I'm not scared at all..."

I am still alive bastards. You haven't broken me yet.

A Doozy of a Snowstorm!

In the last 48 hours we have gotten two feet of snow. I kid you not, TWO feet! Yesterday the snow fell so hard in our area that I could barely see our next door neighbours digging themselves out. See in the photo above. Some areas got off much easier than us. I hear that Ontario did not get hit as badly as they were expecting to and a friend of mine said that the snowpocalypse in Halifax was anticlimactic but for us, it was bad.



Thank goodness our snow angel showed up again last night because, to be honest, I do not think we could have shovelled all of this ourselves and when I say we I mean my husband. I am so very grateful because this storm required a snowblower to survive.

We survived another snowstorm here. I am so sick of it. Winter started off deceivingly kind and gentle but it is February that really knocks you in the teeth here in Nova Scotia. It is a wonder I ever leave the house at all.

Wishcasting: What burden do you wish to put down?

This week for Wischasting Jamie asks us:
"What burden do you wish to put down?" 

I wish to put down my burden of weakness! I want to be a a bad ass!

I am tired of feeling like a wuss. Yes, my body is quite weak I know and "sensitive" but I am a toughie and am working to bring some power and strength to my body and my life. This is a batch of stuff I bought from Amazon recently: Bitchin' Kitchen Cookbook, Dance and Be Fit Brazilian Body and Funhouse by Pink.

I want to be powerful in the kitchen, in my body and in my spirit. These are investments into this dream. It is all part of my plan to be a foodie rock star. I really want to be done with the burden of feeling like a victim and a loser.

Food Issues

There are many dirty little secrets in Nova Scotia and here is one. There is no such thing as grocery delivery service. Nor can you buy groceries online. Here is another one. The day of our car accident three years ago we were coming up with a car filled with groceries. We lost almost all that food that day. In fact when we went to sell the car for parts, there were still broken eggs in it, frozen from the deep freeze of the cruelest of winters.

It has been hard for me to not equate going grocery shopping with the accident, especially in the winter. If I could order my food online, I would. If like many other places I have lived pay a delivery service to bring our food home for us, I would. There is nothing easy about life here. What ends up happening is I resist buying food. I resist leaving the house. My husband offers to take me and I am too scared to go. My post traumatic stress kicks in and I wait and wait until there is nothing left.

The day I finally went out and got food, even the little bits of edibles in my fridge in the photo above were gone. I had to do something.

Normally I cart food home on my sore back with my injured shoulders. I am feeling more like glass than usual so instead I went and bought a ton of groceries and took a cab home:



There is another big storm on its way (big surprise) and we were even out of toilet paper. I absolutely hate taking a cab because it seems so silly. When the cabbies realize that we are only going a few blocks, I can sense it all feels futile. In the past I have attempted to give big tips and sometimes had the money thrown back at me. I do not know the social mores here. This cab driver forgot to turn the meter on and by the time he realized, we were at my house. I gave him a nice chunk of change and he brought the food to my front door. I could have cried.

Until you are housebound, you have no idea just how far away the world is when you can not drive. I live in a place that really could not care less for non-drivers. There is no infrastructure, no thought, no understanding. In Nova Scotia, you must drive your own car. If you can't, don't live here.

So I did my best. I still hurt my shoulder lifting one of the bags but I have food now and I figured out a way to get it that didn't trigger my post traumatic stress. It always pisses me off that none of the grocery stores offer delivery even to the disabled but I worked my way around it for now.

Even when I lived on Eagle Mountain in BC I could get grocery delivery. There was no signal so I could not pay with debit but they would bring our food into our apartment at 1400 feet all the way from Vancouver. Once again, it is quite clear that not only is Nova Scotia an entirely different country, it appears to be an alien planet.

Update: Natniles via Twitter mentioned that the fabulous store Pete's does do home delivery but sadly, I do not live near a Pete's but I should have known if anyone did food delivery it would be them, they rock!